It Will Get Easier... really?

So I hear. Not yet, not for me. Tonight was one of the worst yet. Problems with younger daughter (27), helping her cope and learn to grieve. The problem is she holds it in and then it all comes bubbling out in anger, at me, her kids, her husband. She's having a hard time with medical issues and is scared that if she doesn't go to the doctor RIGHT NOW and have all the tests they want her to have, she will die, like her daddy. The problem is she recently lost her job, has no medical insurance, and Medicaid is a joke these days. Oh sure, they'll see her in ER and then tell her to go to a specialist but then there are no specialist that will take Medicaid, or who are accepting new patients. She's dropped out of Medicaid so she can get help. Guess who's paying for these expensive tests? She's not dying. She has thyroid problems (down to 105 pounds), female problems, acid reflux, and possible diabetes. She is irrational, clearly grieving, and in pain. She gets mad at me because I won't do a pay day loan to help her pay for tests. Ive already shelled out over $700 dollars. She's getting her tax refund in a couple of weeks but doesn't want to wait. She promises she'll pay me back. She acts as if that tax refund will be her saving grace. It wont of course because it won't last long. Lots of heated conversations, crying, melting down, and then apologies and remorse. I'm so worried about her.

I love my daughter. I'm helping as much as I can but I'm not rich. I make good money but I feel like I'm walking around with a hole in the bottom of my wallet. Nevermind I'm dealing with my own pain, grief, and sorrow. She, her husband (who is also jobless) and two of my precious grandbabies already live with me, and I'm footing the bill. They're both actively looking for work, believe me I check, but I'm running out of steam. For the first month I was dealing with my youngest son's grief. He's a nurse but was falling apart-- drinking too much, wanting to leave his sweet wife and son, basically going off the deep end. It seemed there was drama every weekend. He's finally getting some help and is back on track. Thank God! But I had no time to grieve, worrying about him. Getting through the first holidays.

David was my Peter Pan. He always worked for himself and did pretty good, until he got sick. But there were no savings. He was a live for the moment kind of guy. I knew this but I loved and married him anyway. We always struggled and I was the main breadwinner, still am. I have a great legal career and have been doing it for too many years to count, at first as a paralegal and the last seven as a legal secretary at the same firm. I paid for our medical insurance. Thank God we had it when he got sick. I bought a small life insurance policy on him when I started this job but it barely covered funeral expenses with a small amount left over. That money's already gone.

My vacation days rolled around again in August (five weeks) but that's already gone too because of all the days I had to miss to care for David on his bad days. He hated Hospice, fired the daily worker who was supposed to come each day and care for him-- made sure he ate, took his meds, was bathed, had clean linens. He didn't want that because he wasn't dying (his words) and he wasn't going to let another woman bathe him. He wanted me.and I wanted to be with him. My greatest fear is that he would die while I was at work. We fired the first Hospice nurse because she had a terrible bedside manner. Called David "Bucko". She really oversteped her boundaries when she told my youngest daughter she should move out and let her kids get used to being without their grandaddy. Told her to move on and get on with her life. That would have devastated my granddaughter. It would have devastated me at the time. They were such a HUGE support for me while David was dying. Now my daughter is falling apart.

Our second hospice nurse was an angel, truly. But the weekend he died, she was off duty so we got stuck with the on-call nurse. She was ok, but she didn't know us. His real nurse even sent me a condolence card and said she was so sorry she wasn't there. She said she felt like David ministered to HER every time she came and he was one of her favorite patients. She was a preachers kid and she and Davud talked about the Lord (David's favorite subject) every time she came. She came to love us and we her. She was shocked that he was gone.

Back to my dilema, its only January. I HAVE to work or I don't get paid. Doesn't matter if I'm having a bad day or night before, I don't have a choice. There is too much at stake... home, car, my medical insurance, etc. you know, just living. Some days I just want to say screw it and go live in my car, or move in with my oldest son and his family. But then I would be a burden -- the LAST thing I want.

So off to work I go, day in and day out. I exist. I work, eat, cry, and sleep (sometimes).

My logical mind says go get my own little place and let my daughter and her family find thir own way, but I can't. I just can't. I can't do that to my grandchildren, especially my oldest granddaughter. She and David were so close. She's close to me. She comforts me just by being around. She's so precious. So is my grandson but he's a momma's boy and my granddaughter is a grandma's girl. Her favorite thing in the world is when she gets to go to work with grandma. She sleeps with me a lot. I know I'm cheating on my grief. I need to learn to sleep alone. But I don't want to. Not yet.
I realize everything is so dysfunctional right now. I know this. Something's got to give before I give out.

I hate this new life. At least when David was alive I had a purpose. Now when I come home from work, I'm just lost. My focus was on caring for him, being with him. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just existing and trying to get through this. Trying to help my kids deal with their grief. My grandbabies. But I'm getting weaker. I've always been so strong. It will be two months tomorrow -- the longest two months of my life. My heart is literally breaking. I can feel it.

When does the easier part get here?