Ever since last weekend, I am struggling not to drown in a sea of sorrow because I have been hit with a major wave of grief. It is funny how the mind tries to forget, but the heart will always remember.
I looked back at my journal from this time last year when I was in the midst of being my husband's caregiver and there were some difficult and painful things happening as he suffered from his rare cancer. The sadness was because I was remembering them. Then, Tuesday, the day my son had his first day of high school, I spent a large part of my day crying. It hurts that my husband is not here to see his son hit this milestone, our son's start of high school. Will this happen when my son gets his driver's permit? And again at his first prom? And when he graduates from high school? Most likely these milestones will bring up not only joy, but sorrow as his father will not be there to see it all.
I am doing the best I can to flow with the current of my feelings rather than fight them. I pray and try to focus on the present moment, but it is hard when the heart and mind keeps dwelling on the sweetness of the longed for past.
At times I try to find a Bible verse that describes how I feel. Here are a few:
"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" ~Psalm 13:2
"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief." ~Psalm 31:9
"My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart." Job 17:11
Yes, I have lost the one person who knew me better than anyone- my husband, my companion, my best friend, my lover, my protector and my confidante. I lost my connection with an entire history and my future plans have been shattered, the desires of my heart are in tatters as well.
This painful journey began in March 2011 when we first heard the word "cancer," then death came too soon in December 2011 and I lost my husband of 20 years. Yet, over the past nine months since his death, change and transformation is slowly happening. Recently I have had days when I almost feel normal, days when I have felt peace and hope. I know that I am in a better place than I was just three months ago.
I read somewhere that there is never closure as our loved one will always be longed for and will always be in our hearts. But we know we are moving forward and healing when we begin to open up ourselves to this new phase in life, to embrace our new life as it is. It is not easy.
There is no closure, but there may be "open-sure." Open to the possibility that healing will come. Open to the possibility that one day we will again laugh or smile. Open to the possibility that a new strength will take root deep within us. Open to the possibility that the energy will return that allows us to LIVE again and enjoy daily life, walking the path as a single person who has lost a beloved spouse, but one who is never truly alone. We are never truly alone when we hold them close, deep within our hearts.