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I'm jealous. I hate being jealous. I feel like there is such shame in that emotion. How can I be less than happy for someone else's fortune? But I am.
Right now my nephew and his wife are at the hospital having their first child. My husband's brother and his wife had their baby right as my husband was dying. And I am so jealous of both couples. That they will get to raise their children with their partners. That their children will know both their parents. That they are starting this wonderful joyous journey, while I struggle through this path of sorrow, pain, and regret.
I will never have more children. My three month old daughter was conceived through in vitro fertilization. We have four frozen embryos. I had assumed that after a year or so as things settled down we'd implant them, one by one, until we got pregnant again. I know there's no way to know if it would have been successful. But I looked forward to trying, to see what they might turn out to be.
There's no way I can do that now. It wouldn't be right. Or would it? My daughter would have a sibling, not be alone if something happened to me. She will never know her father, would another child be any different? It feels like it would. Besides, I can't afford it.And I can't imagine being pregnant, giving birth, without sharing that joy with him. So in addition to mourning my husband, I mourn our embryos. The dreams not realized.
And I'm jealous of all the couples that get to raise their children together, even those I love, in my own family.