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Jealous
I'm jealous. I hate being jealous. I feel like there is such shame in that emotion. How can I be less than happy for someone else's fortune? But I am.
Right now my nephew and his wife are at the hospital having their first child. My husband's brother and his wife had their baby right as my husband was dying. And I am so jealous of both couples. That they will get to raise their children with their partners. That their children will know both their parents. That they are starting this wonderful joyous journey, while I struggle through this path of sorrow, pain, and regret.
I will never have more children. My three month old daughter was conceived through in vitro fertilization. We have four frozen embryos. I had assumed that after a year or so as things settled down we'd implant them, one by one, until we got pregnant again. I know there's no way to know if it would have been successful. But I looked forward to trying, to see what they might turn out to be.
There's no way I can do that now. It wouldn't be right. Or would it? My daughter would have a sibling, not be alone if something happened to me. She will never know her father, would another child be any different? It feels like it would. Besides, I can't afford it.And I can't imagine being pregnant, giving birth, without sharing that joy with him. So in addition to mourning my husband, I mourn our embryos. The dreams not realized.
And I'm jealous of all the couples that get to raise their children together, even those I love, in my own family.
Views: 171
Comment
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Comment by MrsD on November 2, 2012 at 1:29pm -
I don't have to make the decision right away, that's true. It just feels like one more dream Dan threw away for drinking. I'm so confused, hurt, and angry right now.
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Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on November 2, 2012 at 12:57pm -
I received an e mail, a dea friend (has survived breast cancer) the Announcemet of their 50th Wedding Anniversary. I am Happy for them..... but at the same time.. a twinge. of longing, and why couldn't I have the same... I guess I could call it jealousy.... but I am happy for them.. just makes me a bit sad....
I will pick up an Anniversary Card for them, and I know it will be bittersweet reading and chosing a card :(
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Comment by vadia on November 2, 2012 at 11:34am -
Mrs.D I know that feeling, I am jealous too of other couples. I try too stay away it hurts too much. Sometimes for just a minut the thought crosses my mind "why me and not them", then the guilt comes, but I can't help feeling that way.
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Comment by Joyce on November 2, 2012 at 10:53am -
MrsD: Hugs to you, I'm jealous of other couples too with children or not!
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Comment by Joe's Jenn on November 2, 2012 at 8:36am -
MrsD- my heart breaks for you, and I understand exactly what you are saying because I feel the same way.. how can you not be jealous of other couples, their lives are going on and here we are trying to figure out how to get out of bed some days. It is so hard not to be jealous, and I think it is a feeling we will always have. At least I think I will..
Joe and I were not able to have a child, which upsets me all the time because there was nothing more we wanted . How long can you keep the embryos without implanting them? This is not a decision you have to make now is it? Who knows maybe you will want to use them someday and I think that is perfectly fine!!! Follow your heart...
Love,
Jenn
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on November 2, 2012 at 8:19am -
MrsD, I always wanted 4 kids, but we were blessed with one. People used to always ask me "are you going to have another?" and I desperately wanted more, but it wasn't in the cards for us. I used to be jealous of people with more than one and it took me a long time to get over that (this was when my husband was still alive too). Eventually time helped and when I was asked that question again I would answer with a "Nah, I got it right the first time." I stopped being jealous of people with more than one. Then my husband died, and I felt sorry that my son was only 10 and that he'd grow up without his dad, I still feel bad about that. But moreso for my son, and not me. Now I am starting to realize how blessed I am to have my "one" because he is everything to me. I am so lucky to have him. This journey takes us through so many emotions and yes, jealousy is certainly one of them. Allow yourself your feelings, it is okay to have them. Like Dianne said, time can soften the edges if we allow it. It is a difficult task at times, but just be gentle with yourself. Hugs!
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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on November 2, 2012 at 1:01am -
It's important to feel what you feel, MrsD ... let those feelings out. It's ok. It's the only way to get through it. As Lori said, you can't see it now, but you won't always feel this way. Time can soften the edges of our grief if we allow it. Just be kind to yourself.
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Comment by Lori on November 2, 2012 at 12:24am -
MrsD there is hope in the future, it doesn't feel like that now i know but some day that small flicker of hope will shine, then new dreams may come. take care
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Comment by MissingRKK on November 1, 2012 at 10:18pm -
It is okay to feel jealous. It feels terrible, it feels wrong but it is how you are feeling right now and trying NOT to feel it won't make it better. The only way forward is to feel it, as uncomfortable as it is, until you don't anymore. And, there will be a time when you can see other's joy without jealousy. You will get there. Right now, if jealousy and anger are where you are at, then let it rage. Hugs to you.
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Comment by OriRising on November 1, 2012 at 3:06pm -
I have two kids- my little guy was only 5 months old when my husband died. My eldest was 4. I too look at other couples raising kids with envy- knowing they don't even realize what they have. What I do want to say to you, is don't dismiss the idea right now of not having any more...just agree to think about it later in the future. My little guy is being raised basically never having known a father- I don't think its wrong to consider those frozen embryos, when the time is right. Its your decision for you and your family- don't let anyone tell you otherwise. *hugs* to you
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