A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Trying this way of reaching out, here. I'm supposed to be getting ready to sing at a benefit this Sunday. Music is very emotional for me, without my beautiful, incredibly talented Billie there making it all real. I have made efforts to keep some music in my life, to keep myself from losing it completely, (music and my mind) - but it's still so emotional and hard. All I want to sing are sad songs, but that's not what people want to hear, in most places. I can't raise my energy to sing cheerful stuff, yet. It's just not real, I can't fake it. I live in a little town, and by reason of my getting a little weekly jam going, suddenly people think I am a performer on my own, and I got roped into doing this gig on Sunday, after I had initially declined. This is a church that turned me down for renting their outdoor patio for Billie's memorial, due to him not being a member of the congregation. The pastor knew of him, had danced to us singing, had prayed with me for his health and included him in their prayer circle. Before she was pastor there, Billie used to walk the Labyrinth they have there on the church grounds, at dawn, and meditate. I told her that before I asked if we could rent the space there. Now I find myself trying to pull together songs to sing in a church of a faith I don't share, for a pastor who made me cry by telling me, no, Billie somehow didn't make the cut for her idea of spiritual enough to have his memorial there. The next church I called accepted us without question, and it worked out beautifully, so it all turned out okay, but I have some resentment towards her attitude. Another time, I went to what was advertised as a Grief Support Group, there...to find not a single other soul there...no one to even unlock the door. My karma with this church is not the best. I appreciated the prayers, and told the pastor this. Anyway, now Billie's family has lost another cherished member, to a horrible accident, at only 32 years of age. My feelings are all over the place, mainly just shocked helpless in sorrow. Don't want to sing on Sunday. Don't want to try so hard to come up with cheerful stuff when the music is more than that to me, the music is my connection to my beloved, my singing to him, it isn't about entertainment. These folks went ahead and put my name on the ads and the tickets and all, without even checking with me - so when I declined again, they said, well, your name is on all the tickets...sorry, see, I'm all over the place, just messed up. Just sad as hell and all messed up. I want to crawl under my rock and come out some time later. I want to hide alone with my beloved spirit-mate, talk with him about his great nephew up there with him now, rock and cry and try to sing some of these songs that help me mourn him. Just messed up. Thanks for listening, you guys. Had to let it out. Sorry it makes no sense, I'm sure.