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Still Performing - How?
Trying this way of reaching out, here. I'm supposed to be getting ready to sing at a benefit this Sunday. Music is very emotional for me, without my beautiful, incredibly talented Billie there making it all real. I have made efforts to keep some music in my life, to keep myself from losing it completely, (music and my mind) - but it's still so emotional and hard. All I want to sing are sad songs, but that's not what people want to hear, in most places. I can't raise my energy to sing cheerful stuff, yet. It's just not real, I can't fake it. I live in a little town, and by reason of my getting a little weekly jam going, suddenly people think I am a performer on my own, and I got roped into doing this gig on Sunday, after I had initially declined. This is a church that turned me down for renting their outdoor patio for Billie's memorial, due to him not being a member of the congregation. The pastor knew of him, had danced to us singing, had prayed with me for his health and included him in their prayer circle. Before she was pastor there, Billie used to walk the Labyrinth they have there on the church grounds, at dawn, and meditate. I told her that before I asked if we could rent the space there. Now I find myself trying to pull together songs to sing in a church of a faith I don't share, for a pastor who made me cry by telling me, no, Billie somehow didn't make the cut for her idea of spiritual enough to have his memorial there. The next church I called accepted us without question, and it worked out beautifully, so it all turned out okay, but I have some resentment towards her attitude. Another time, I went to what was advertised as a Grief Support Group, there...to find not a single other soul there...no one to even unlock the door. My karma with this church is not the best. I appreciated the prayers, and told the pastor this. Anyway, now Billie's family has lost another cherished member, to a horrible accident, at only 32 years of age. My feelings are all over the place, mainly just shocked helpless in sorrow. Don't want to sing on Sunday. Don't want to try so hard to come up with cheerful stuff when the music is more than that to me, the music is my connection to my beloved, my singing to him, it isn't about entertainment. These folks went ahead and put my name on the ads and the tickets and all, without even checking with me - so when I declined again, they said, well, your name is on all the tickets...sorry, see, I'm all over the place, just messed up. Just sad as hell and all messed up. I want to crawl under my rock and come out some time later. I want to hide alone with my beloved spirit-mate, talk with him about his great nephew up there with him now, rock and cry and try to sing some of these songs that help me mourn him. Just messed up. Thanks for listening, you guys. Had to let it out. Sorry it makes no sense, I'm sure.
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Comment by Susan J on July 3, 2012 at 5:57pm -
Here's a phrase I have started to use: I'm so glad you're an authority on being a widow. Or: And you're an authority on being a widow, how? If you lose their friendship over those phrases, they weren't friends anyway. Another good one is just drop your jaw and ask REALLY? REALLY? Wow. Then just walk away. If they think your'e a b#$%ch, isn't that too bad.
Jon and I sang in the church choir together. He was a bass and I am a tenor. We sat inthe back row together. The choir director thought I should come back the next Sunday to sing. The church had been a large part of out life and I couldn't stand the thought of attending, let alone singing. He simply did not understand.
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Comment by Cristina on July 3, 2012 at 4:51pm -
Susan J, thank you for taking the time to comment. You're right, I need to learn to get in people's faces a little more when something this weird goes down. I just had a whole other weird thing go down this last week, but it's resolved now. Mostly. I still have to work it out with a couple of my lifelong friends. Even those who I called often during my Billie's illness (one and a half years of his life being on the line, daily) don't seem to have understood the impact of all that, and of the loss of my soul's mate, on me. I need a little more gumption, in the communication arena. Since childhood, I have tended to go silent when someone says something that just doesn't make any sense to me. Hard to break these old patterns, after 54 years...but, you're right, I have to advocate for myself with clarity and hopefully not just tears. Thanks for the good advice.
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Comment by Susan J on July 3, 2012 at 3:17pm
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Cristina, I know this is to late to help you with this incident, but... I have grown an incredible set of balls since I have been widowed. I protect myself from those sorts of people and use it as a teaching moment for THEM. I would have looked at the minister and said, "You cannot be SERIOUS. You turned me down because he wasn't a member of this congregation and NOW you want something from ME?" And then walk away. Leave her to ponder her error. You are the only one who can protect you.
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Comment by Cristina on June 11, 2012 at 6:28pm
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Sherbear, the benefit was for the ladies group of the Episcopal Church. I assume they use it to do good works around town, for charity. Deb, thanks, though I'm sorry to hear it, it helps to hear you say how so many things are hard and complicated for you, as well. Just going to the store is problematic, these days, though it usually goes alright. Not that I don't cry in there, though. They're used to it, around here, seeing me in tears. So it goes.
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Comment by Cristina on June 11, 2012 at 2:42pm
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Sherbear, Deb, Suz, Laurie....Thank you all so much. Don't know if I wouldn't have just blown a fuse without you guys jumping in and helping me through all the confusion and anxiety. Thanks for not judging, and just helping. Between you guys and Billie's sister Jan, I was able to go on and do it in a way that was good. And that left me feeling good, for as bad as I felt physically...cried my eyes out when I got home, but, well, that's just part of life, now. Hoping you all are having some peace today, as well as a break from these grief-graines....
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Comment by Sherbear on June 11, 2012 at 12:31am
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You did it. It's behind you now. Rest easy Cristina and take good, good, extra care of yourself throughout this coming week. You did a valiant thing today. Especially since it was for a benefit. I meant to ask what was the benefit for?
It reminds me of something that I had to do just a month after Dave passed away. I'll tell you about it.
(((((Hugs))))))
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Comment by Deb__ on June 10, 2012 at 9:27pm -
Well done for getting through today Cristina. You did great! Oh and you weren't crazy at all. I am finding that everything takes twice as long as it once did and also everything, big and small, fills me with anxiety. Knowing that seems to make it a little easier.
Oh Suz, you too? It simply has to be related to the grief. I've suffered for years with them but not for this long. The headache part is bad enough but I feel nauseous most of the day too. Anti-nausea meds do help. Hope you feel better soon Suz xxx
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Comment by Cristina on June 10, 2012 at 8:40pm
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PS Sorry to hear about you guys having the migraines, too. Such a major drag. And when they go on and on like that, day after day, I get them like that too...so debilitating. And it doesn't help that the medicine I take is a major depressant. Just what we need. Double whammy. Sorry you all suffer too like this. I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone. Especially people already dealing with such heart-wrenching emotional and spiritual pain...
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Comment by Cristina on June 10, 2012 at 8:36pm
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Still feeling funky, y'all, but today went okay. It ended up making me feel pretty good about myself, to be honest, to rise to the occasion, though, due to the migraine, I WAs able to hide behind dark glasses the whole time (dark glasses, part of the widow's toolbox...ask Jackie and Yoko...now I understand why)...played three songs, was backed up unexpectedly by a friend on the first two, which helped immensely - this friend plays violin like a virtuoso...the band played, then I played three more after the break. I was kind of numb and somewhat turned in myself, but people were nice and it all worked. I left when the band started up again, because the heat was getting to me...it was almost noon, and nearly 100 degrees. (We live in the desert.) By the time I got home, heat exhaustion was setting in...so have been in bed most of the rest of the day. Thank you guys so much for supporting me in this difficult moment. I guess it's kind of silly, how crazy I was making myself about the whole thing. But, it was a little twisty. Thanks for the light, and the helping hands. Y'all rrrrock.
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Comment by Suz on June 10, 2012 at 7:28pm -
Cristina and Deb,
I am writing in the dark with a major migraine. They have to be grief related. I have had them before but this is like an outbreak. Three four day ones since Jud died at end of Feb.
Thinking of you, Cristina, and hoping today went ok.
Hugs to you both,
Suz
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