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F-bomb alert. If you find them offensive you might want to skip this short entry.

Fucking Hell.

It is all really too much.
Today I got up at 5:30, made breakfast, made Sophie's lunch, cleaned the kitchen, looked at old photos with Samantha, had an informational interview (person was 20 minutes late), came home, played with Samantha (that was nice), got lunch out, looked for a dresser to replace the broken one, stepped over the piles of clothes that need to be placed in a dresser, went to the library, took Sam to the pool, helped Sam with a project, walked the dog, made dinner, watered the plants outside, brought the garbage cans and recycling bins back, finally found someone to take care of Lucy (dog) next week, wondered (with some guilt) what I need to do to take care of my injured mother who lives 4.5 hours away, worked on my website-don't really understand how to build it or how to use the templates, realized I screwed up and spent $200 on a custom domain for no reason-could have gotten it for free from web host, spent more than an hour trying to understand my mistake, live chatting with 2 different web service providers and figure out if I could correct it, corresponded with our council man regarding the murder that took place on our street, am I crazy to let me 11 yr old walk in the neighborhood by herself?, cleaned the kitchen again, had both girls clamor for bedtime cuddles at the same time, was told by one very skinny daughter that she "feels fat" and thinks she looks puffy (WTF?), same daughter rubbed my back when she was cuddling and made me keenly aware that no one has touched my skin or given me a back rub in over 2 years. And now it is 10:00 pm and the house is a horrible mess because all summer I let it go to bit by bit and I am sitting here wondering if I will be able to sleep, will I ever find a decent job, not even bothering to think about a new love,  and what the fuck is this life?

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Comment by MissingRKK on August 8, 2014 at 6:38pm

yeah, this week it really was to much for just one person and I think for all of us, many days, it is just too much for one person to handle when our lives used to be shared. I was thinking about the damn recycling bins again and realizing that the difference was that before I might have had to go through the motions of doing the tasks alone while Ron traveled but then I could talk/email/skype with him and discuss the details, bounce ideas off of each other, vent if needed, and laugh (!) all that shared stuff. What i keep coming back to is the alone-ness. The true alone-ness. Oy. Too much.  HUGS to you, Ali!

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on August 8, 2014 at 6:23pm
It's a lot to handle for one person Carrie.
Comment by MissingRKK on August 8, 2014 at 5:33pm

Hey Ali,

You know it is just the culmination of a really, really, awful, hard week and the fact that I just don't get a minute to breathe. My kids who I adore and am truly grateful for every single day can barely let me sit at the computer to write this message,even though they should be showering and getting ready for bed. They can't stand to be away from me and I know they need to go through this until they feel that they won't lose me, too but it can deplete me so quickly. The days fly by with one task after another and having no one to share any emotion with, any joy, any horror with (and this week had true horror in it as I posted in 2012 group), any decisions with, etc. etc.. You know what I mean. I haven't had time this summer to write, to reflect, to give time to my grief. It isn't about the recycling bins. In the end, who cares about the bins.  Ron traveled for work frequently. I was used to taking full responsibility for everything before--for finite periods of time--with the reward of him coming home and our family being whole again. So today went' better and I fixed the problem with the website I am building and I got my $200 bucks back and used some of it to hire someone to help me clean the house so that let some steam out and then guess what...I got a call from my mother in the ER and she was admitted tonight so my gut was right  that she needed more attention. Then my neighbor just told me that the police think they found the murder weapon tossed in another neighbor's yard so maybe there will be more information about the homicide and some resolution. I was afraid this week for my kids, for myself. I am not usually a fearful person.  Somehow I am calmer today and better able to handle it. Yesterday I just had nothing left and needed to freak out.  I am realizing that it is just life and it is going to just keep coming with whatever comes good and bad. Some days I just don't have enough stuffing to stand tall.  

Comment by Lakelady on August 8, 2014 at 5:12pm
Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on August 8, 2014 at 3:43pm

Hey Carrie,  ummm. Yeah.  Wtf.  Even having to haul the recycle bins and trash cans is a bummer if you didnt have to do it before.  What we all need and deserve is an all expenses paid vacation with massueses and people to tend to our every need.  But, alas we don't get that do we?  And to that i also say. Wtf?  Life really is not fair is it?  And the reality of that just sucks.  Having been around my 2 year old grandaughted for the past week, and watching her temper tantrums I am thinking she just might be on to something.  I swear some days I want to go out in the middle of the street and just start screaming and crying and kicking people just to get my point across.  But i dont do that.  Instead i try to help my grandaughter to calm down and manage her emotions by doing "om" and namaste and playing until she is worn that i think about it, perhaps i am really trying to help myself more than her, because as the saying goes..those who can't do,  Keep venting Carrie.  As much as you want to or need to.  Cause hey, WTF? Why not?

Comment by MissingRKK on August 8, 2014 at 7:45am

IndiaKai, when I read your posts I feel that way, too! HUGS!!

Comment by IndiaKai on August 8, 2014 at 5:15am

I think we may be channeling each other.  :)  I have so many WTF moments too. Hang in there. I know it's not the best advice, but it's what I keep trying to tell myself.  

Comment by Mac on August 8, 2014 at 4:56am

(((Missing RKK)))

Comment by MissingRKK on August 8, 2014 at 4:33am

Hi LauraJay, I am not angry by your response--not at all, I am grateful for any feedback, any connection, so thank you. I know i just have to keep moving forward, not moving on, I don't believe in that but moving forward with this new life. I also know that not fighting against it so hard but learning to accept it will be helpful to me but this week has been so tough that accepting it or at least accepting the fact that THIS IS MY LIFE, not what I dream about, not what I hope will happen in the future but now, this very minute is my life and better to live it fully than flail against it--has been hard and like IndiaKai's blog post---I just want out, even for a minute. Ah, but that is what we don't get, isn't it. Excuse the rambling. Last night was not one for sleeping much.  I send you HUGS and appreciation!! 

Comment by laurajay on August 8, 2014 at 4:11am

MissingRKK   don't be angry if I tell you you are learning a hell of a lot about survival and that you need to remember  HALT    time to draw back when you are HungryAngryLonely or Tired  because that's when it hits the fan...this territory known as grief is not a pleasant turf.   I so understand not having my skin touched in 28 months has made me kinda mean and needy--ugly attributes with no way too alter them.  My daughter had a tree fall on her house couple weeks ago no injury to people but structural damage not yet assessed. I was helpless to help her. Too exhausted to be quality gramma with my 3 grands  8,7 and 2.  Feel as if I will never be strong enough for all I could be doing/enjoying with them.  They are my only source of affection. Older now,  my domestic skills have flown the coup.  I'm sore all the time and my body does not stay in harmony with my monkey brain that's wants quicker healing.

life my widow friend is what it is now- a puzzlement.  We get to live in the mystery of it and walk in the chaos step by step.  that's what it is...for now.      love  lj

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