I came across a necklace with this simple sentence, Just one more chapter. Immediately I thought sheesh isn't it enough to wear your heart on your sleeve, now it's going to hang around your neck. Of course, widow brain kicks in first, I'm sure it was really meant for book lovers. It made me stop and think how many times I've probably given thought to words spoken, read or even pictures with "widow brain" and had myself into an uproar over nothing.
Never once have I ever since this journey began have I stopped to think. Am I using WIDOW BRAIN or plain ole brain? Now that I have done so, I can look back on some of my most upsetting, unsettling episodes and I realize I might have been wrong. I can tell ya, it isn't a good feeling. I have sat by over the last 2 years and watched bridges burn, I've (surly) made folks feel like crap Dixie Carter style, I kicked ass and didn't care about names. Without realizing it I may have turned into my own martyr. I miiiight be slightly dramatic but yeah, I'm a bit red-faced. I owe a few folks (the ones who either look at me like they are waiting for my head to start spinning or get deer in the head like looks when I spot them in Wal-Mart then proceed to feel an urgent need to get to any other isle than the one I'm on.) So for the 2 ladies and one gentleman, I will suck it up and apologize. To the one gentleman who elicited a very firm FU, I stand by my FU. After all, I don't throw those around lightly. I wonder, have I just learned a lesson on mindfulness?
I was my sweethearts "just one more chapter". He isn't here to tell you guys this so I'll say it for him. I was a damn good last chapter. Jerry isn't my last chapter, I can't foresee the future so I don't even know if he'll be my best chapter. I just know that my time with him will always be cherished. To think about turning the page... it's heartbreaking. The truth is our pages are turning. I'm trying and often failing at really LIVING, but the important thing is to keep trying, right?
Soooo, how/when do we get rid of Widow Brain? No matter what the next chapter(s) bring to us, we will always be widows. It stands to reason there will always be times when the widow brain reacts first. Personally, I hate every aspect of that painful fog of widow brain syndrome. So if you are like me, and hate it too-here is what I've found to be truth. TIME, PATIENCE, MINDFULNESS, PRAYER AND REPEAT AS OFTEN AS NECESSARY.
As always I am so thankful to God for what I've had and so grateful for the chapters to come. Peace ya'll.