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just rambling
I guess we never know what is around the corner.. no crystal ball.. All I can say is I never dreamed in a million worlds my life would end up like this.
with the financial mess from husbands business. I have filed bankruptcy.. well have half more to pay, before they file..
I do have a man who had come to a yard sale last year, interested in buying more of John's stuff for "projects" when he retired. hoping to make enough to pay the balance to the attorney.
My daughter & son in law are moving back to Eastern, Washington. My grandson is staying here for a bit. he is 19...
leaves early in am and gets home at 6pm, eats dinner, and goes to his room.
I am picking thru this financial mess.. and making the first steps.. This was an extremely hard decision, I had worked up until 9 yrs ago when stroke hit, and I had to go on disability.
I will be going to a 6 week grief support group starting in Sept. I feel the only things keeping me going at this point are my dogs..
My daughter & sil want me to move to Eastern, WA at some point.. but I have to much to do here, before I can even think about that. I also want to make sure they are stable over there before I make any decisions.
To say I hate what is going on is an understatement.. I feel like I am in a 20 ft hole and trying to dig out, but times I just wish I could stay in the hole.. and not bother.. but the dogs need to be fed and looked after.
Hope.... where are you? I can ask.."why me?" but then I can ask "why NOT me?"
I am tired of being a survivor.. I am tired of "fighting life" I guess I am just plain....tired.
My poor flower bed is a mess with weeds. hoping fall and winter kills them off enough where I can dig it up, or get my grandson to dig the whole thing out.. and start over in spring. I will cove it with black plastic once I can get it dug up. It wa soo pretty 2 years ago , when John and I made it.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on September 4, 2012 at 9:43am -
Bonnie, I wish I had some magic words to make it all better, I know we all do. Sometimes all we can do is remember to breathe. I think the tired just comes with the territory as a widow. No matter how much we are able to rest, or just stay in bed or whatever, we are still tired. The mental fatigue seems to never go away. But please know seeing you in chat and talking to you always makes me smile. HUGS!
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Comment by Blue Snow on August 31, 2012 at 9:10pm -
I don't have any wise words but I do have faith in your ability to pull yourself together and do what you have to do to survive. As hard as it was to file for bankruptcy you did the right thing and YOU did it! Whatever comes next you'll take it one step at a time and get through it. Sometimes we just have to decide what's really most important in our lives and let all the other stuff go and start over again. Downsizing stuff and responsibilities can actually be very liberating.
Good luck with the local support group. I hope it's a good one and if you find yourself getting too depressed and worn out, make sure you talk to your doctor!!!!!!
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Comment by Susan J on August 31, 2012 at 1:57pm -
Bonnie,
Losing our loved one is just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it? The losses which follow are devastaing too. Financial security, homes, familiar surroundings... It seems to be a good thing you have the dogs to keep you going. Somedays it would just be so lovely to give up, lay down and die too. By the time the bankruptcy is settled and the dogs are cared for, you might even be in an emotional state capable of making the rest of the decisions you need to. One day at a time girlfriend. We're in a recovery program.
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Comment by chez2all on August 31, 2012 at 6:20am -
Bonnie...so many widow/ers find themselves in very difficult circumstances after their loved one dies. Life is a struggle and we all get so very tired from fighting through for each and every breath (as it seems sometimes). All you can do is one thing at a time and go with your gut instinct...may I say at the moment from what you have written you are doing everything right! Don't try to do everything at once...take your time and be comfortable with your decisions.
Know that you have lots of support here...always...Chez
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Comment by Marsha on August 30, 2012 at 10:54pm -
(((((Bonnie))))) I so understand being tired. Wondering when it will all end and a new life has begun. Planning on moving back east hopefully next year to be close to daughter and grandkids. So hard to go this journey alone. Really just want to live again. Moving forward one baby step at a time.
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