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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I have this acquaintance that is taking psychology classes in school, plus she's read a book on grief so she has deemed herself an expert on it.

She is constantly calling me or emailing me to rant and lecture me about being depressed and not moving on already.  You know, because the grief book gave a timeline of grief, so I should be happy and perky all the time now.

She seriously believes this.

However she tells me that the kids will be sad and miss their dad the rest of their lives, and that's normal and I should help them any way I can.  Because you know, I haven't been doing that for the last year.

So my question for her is, why is it ok for them to grieve, for the rest of their lives, but I have to move on?

Her answer, "well its no difference than a divorce.  You don't see me depressed and lonely and wanting everyone to give me sympathy all the time."

I could have slapped her.  First off, she's not even going through a divorce.  She still lives with her husband, while she has a long distance relationship (with one of Tin Man's best friends).  She has been saying this divorce is going to be final on this day, but then moved to this day.  She's also given about 20 different dates that she plans on moving here and always has an excuse why she can't.

But she knows all when it comes to grieving because she's going through the same thing.

I know people that haven't been through it don't get it.  I'm happy for them.  I just wish those that don't get it would stop acting like they do.

My husband is gone, but I didn't stop loving him the minute he died.  I will never stop loving him.  We had hopes and dreams that died along with him.  I can't call him on the phone, even to argue with him.  I can't touch him.  I can't decide this isn't want I want and make everything normal again.

 

This is NOTHING like a divorce.  I wish people would understand that or feel free to stop talking to me.  I have pushed most of these people out of my life, but this person is attached to a good friend and I don't want to lose his friendship just because of her.

 

I wish someone would explain to me why its ok for the kids to grieve the loss of their father, but I am supposed to be over the loss of my husband and ready to move on to finding the next one.

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Comment by Old55 on March 19, 2013 at 12:14am
Hi Sam, I'd take a chance on slapping her (lol) but know exactly exactly, exactly how you feel. I did ask my psychologist ( real one not just practicing) if he thought there was such a thing as grief induced Terretts just in case I was to say or do something that might be viewed as " inappropriate" .......unfortunately he didn't think so:/ Sometimes it feels the only option is to avoid people who haven't a clue, hang in there
Comment by only1sue on March 18, 2013 at 2:27pm

I agree, she's only got half the jigsaw.  Unfortunatley I have a friend who is similar.   I have to keep her as she is part of a set.  I let her say her piece, don't comment on what she has said, say "thank you for calling, sorry I do have to go now".  That takes about five minutes of my day and is good to practice my sainthood on.

Comment by john on March 18, 2013 at 2:20pm

Ask her to swap places with you -enough said

 

Comment by Suz on March 18, 2013 at 1:20pm

Sam,

You can keep her in your life in order to stay connected to your friend but don't ever, ever expect her to make any sense. Her thinking is confused. She is not tracking correctly. She is obviously not put together with all the right pieces. Put on your "boundaries" and remember that her logic is not your logic. She makes no sense, Sam. None at all. You are one together woman. Don't let her get to you. 

Hugs,

Suz

Comment by hisgirl on March 18, 2013 at 1:02pm

She sounds like a nut with her own issues. She should use "psychology" on her own life before trying to fix yours. If she calls you again, say "whatever, then say I got to go".

Comment by Susan D (Profe D) on March 18, 2013 at 12:45pm

Where are those STFU cards???   I don't know her, but I want to slap the crap out of her.

Comment by momtofourkids (Jane) on March 18, 2013 at 12:06pm

(((((HUGS))))))  people are stupid and people are insensitive and people with a bit of knowledge are beyond stupid and insensitive.  

 

She doesn't get it and probably never will.

Comment by onmyown on March 18, 2013 at 11:57am

I would dump here as a friend. If you should even call here that. Don't take her calls. You are not only grieving for your husband/partner but also for the loss of your children's' father.

Comment by Fichereader on March 18, 2013 at 11:16am

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Comment by Susan on March 18, 2013 at 10:33am

This "friend" is an idiot and there is no way ANYONE can explain her advice as sensible.  It's just wrong.  I'm so sorry that you have this aggravation on top of all the pain you are experiencing.  If you find the STFU cards, send her two.    ((((HUGS))))

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