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I try to tell myself that I don't begrudge anyone getting on with their life. I don't think I do. I get it. I wish I could but I can't.

I need to keep off of Facebook. Everyone posting their stupid silly cartoons, celebrating their Birthday's, Anniversaries (those are the worst), their kids sports and grades and silly things they've said. How annoying their husbands are or the silly thing he said. Do you not remember my husband died? Remember a month ago? When you all sent me those messages telling me how terrible it is to hear that? Some of you who lived close even came to the service. "Anything we can do?" "Call if you need anything." I know I said I'm okay I know I said I'll call. I lied. I'm not remotely okay and we both know I won't call. I think most of you are glad I didn't. I had plenty of support that week. Tons of people calling me. Now no one calls. Facebook goes on as normal. I post something about Doug on my timeline I get a few "likes" one or two frownie face icons thats about it. Me and the kids we're stuck here. I didn't think people would dissapear this quickly. I thought I had several months before people went on with their lives. I cry nightly sometimes during the day but mostly at night. I go to work because I have no choice. I want to curl up in a ball and mourn my husband. I want to feel him hug me and him to get me through this. How stupid is that. I need him to get me through losing him. My happy optimistic husband. He had a guy friend who was helping me that week. He was my friend too. I'm pretty sure his wife made him stop checking in on me. I can't blame her. I was the jealous type too. I would have hated Doug calling her if the roles were reversed. And now I ramble and get off topic.

No I don't berudge anyone getting on with their lives. I just wish I could.

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Comment by grammy on October 22, 2013 at 10:13am

I felt the same why as you do. I have never been on Facebook. My husband was a big believer of it. He comes from a hug family with lots of siblings , niece and nephews. That was a way they kept in contact.

One of my SIL told me that I need to get on Facebook if I wanted to know what was happening in the family. I am not interested. She told what she did on her 49Th anniversary and that next year she will be having the big 50Th.  I told her that I wished that I could have celebrated my 37th (he died 2 weeks before). That ended the conversation and she has not called me back. My IL are also support 3 other people in the family who have lost a spouse. My husband's youngest sister died December 2012, a brother April 2013, a niece June 2012 and a BIL January 2012. I will call her later and see how I can help.  That will make her feel better and me too

I have found through my journey that you do need to call the people that you know will support you. They do not know what you need.

My sister is someone who I can relay on. I have called her at all times of day and night and she is there. She lives 1 hour from me and sometimes when I don't need her she is knocking on my door. I have a good friend who is also there for me, again I had to call her. She does not know what I am thinking or what I need.

 Today is the first time on the anniversary date that I am working. All I really want to do is to sob. I cannot allow that until I am done my job (I am do parenting groups with families). Once I am home I will let all emotions go. I also wish that I could have my husband back (three months today  he died). To days of all days  I would love to curl up and stay in bed. To feel that way is not stupid - it's normal

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