Yesterday I had my PET scan, 25 minutes in a small plastic tunnel. This was my second so not as scary as the first. Laying there with my eyes shut is an agonizing exercise for me so I use visualisation as a method of coping. This time I used our three years in a small coastal town, trying to remember the neighborhood, the routine with our children in the little school down the road, the way of life we had in that place. We had some good times there so it was a pleasant experience for me, particularly recalling sharing fun and food with our friends so many I haven't seen for a long time.
The mediation worked well for a while but suddenly I was out in a boat flying along a river and Ray was beside me laughing at something and looking so happy , so handsome, so alive. It really startled me, it felt so natural,like it was really happening. I could feel tears running down my face but my hands were caught up in a muff used to hold the body in position and I knew I couldn't move. I don't know if it was a waking dream or not but it seemed so real.
It is the first time in six years I have seen Ray there beside me the way he looked and acted when he was alive and it felt like we were experiencing it all in real time. It wasn't at all frightening , it was just as if being there was just part of a normal day and we did have many days out on the river at that time. But unfortunately it wasn't long after that I felt the machine move again and the test was over. The technician said: " You looked relaxed I thought l'd have to wake you up." so maybe it was just a dream.
This is four monthly test time so another CT on Monday then the specialist review on Wednesday. I find out more then. She doesn't believe in overwhelming her patients with information but I know that I have to have four clear tests to get a clearance and then the melanoma can still reappear in a different form. It is not a death sentence but it it is an uncertain future. I should be used to that after looking after Ray for so many years. I have enjoyed many year of good health so I shouldn't complain.
What I do now is live life day to day. I went to Sydney with my daughter-in-law and listened to her plans for a holiday overseas next year and realised what a differenc 20 years has made to the way I think. I did the travelling in my early 50s too. Not that l wouldn't travel now if I had a clean bill of health. But time and financial expenditure and many other things have got to be taken into consideration now. That is just part of the life I have now. Don't you just hate waking up and finding you're old?