Today is Easter Saturday, fine and mild with an overcast sky first thing this morning though it has warmed up since then. Easter is another one of those family times so friends ask the widow: " Will you see your family over the weekend?" And the widow smiles and says nothing because what is there to say? Long gone are the days when the kids rang me to see what I was doing for the weekend. We had that when their Dad as alive but not now. Being Mum and Dad seems to be treated differently to being just Mum on her own.
To be fair Shirley as been taking me to all those medical appointments so she needs time with her own family. And the boys live so far away. None of that makes an iota of difference, I still feel lonely and isolated on my own. So off to the shopping centre I go. But what do I find there? Crowds, people from all over crowding in because of the predicted rain, laughing, eating, enjoying their four day Easter holiday on the Coast. That is the disadvantage of living in a lovely area like I do, the crowds of tourists that arrive for any of the long weekends.
I know we locals take for granted the beauty of the area we live in, the lakes and beaches, the casual lifestyle, the slower pace, the less hurried life. But add crowds of city folk and that changes, hassles with parking, no room in the dining areas and when you do get a seat so much noise that the casual banter of friends is swallowed up. So just time for a coffee and we go our separate ways and in that crowded place teaming with strangers the loneliness reappears.Why? Because although there are hundreds of people the is no-one special to be with, no-one who really cares, no-one to share with. Just a noisy crowd of people milling around.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? You certainly got that right. Another morning on the pity pot. All because I think of certain times of the year as "family time". I wish I could change my way of thinking so one day had the same value as another but somehow that is still not where I have made the change. Each time I become aware of a grief trigger I do try to change my thinking so hopefully next Easter there will not be a problem, I will make other plans. Five years and more and I am still trying to get my thinking adjusted to my single status. Widow not wife.
And so my plans for the rest of the weekend is much like the routine of the past few weeks, read, rest, eat, sleep,repeat. The routine suggested as good for healing. On Wednesday I have day surgery to have my drainage tube replaced,another glitch in the healing process. Yes I know, I have had a big operation, every one of my good friends reminds me of that. But I feel low on patience right now. My mind cries out: "Enough already!!!". But the only way I am going to heal is to follow doctors orders. However much I dislike what all of that entails.Hopefully.the new drain will be the solution to the problem and healing will progress once more. And without any further infection.
I felt as if summer passed without my participation and now I feel as if autumn is doing the same. Usually I am busy repotting, reassembling, weeding and preparing the gardens for the cooler weather but this season there can be no lifting and limited bending because of the surgery sites and that means very limited practical work can be done. Once again no-one to call on to do what I am unable to do. It is so very frustrating. I know the work will still be there when I make well again but the best time to do it will be passed.
In my present world there doesn't seem to be much hope, which is unusual as I am usually a hope filled person, even a bit too optimistic sometimes. I think the long term nature of recovery is beginning to get me down. I have always encouraged others to have patience. Now I need to use that advice myself. I am struggling with this right now. But I guess that is another hurdle to get over on this journey through widowhood. I need to recover my hope and my joy in life, and learn to live with or without input from others. Just another chance to embrace change rather than cling to a past long gone.