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I felt so protected. Loving Ron gave me an extra layer of skin, a set of body armor. It was like wearing the softest, warmest blanket with a delicate head covering. I felt safe. What is your heart’s desire? What do you long for? I was asked these questions. She said it would help if I knew. What do I long for now? I long to be known, to know. I long to breathe in Ron’s essence, that which bound me to him. I long for his presence.

Skin hunger. I just learned that phrase. I don’t long for sex right now. Maybe I will someday and that will just add another layer of complication to my longing. A male friend squeezed my hand in sympathy and it set off some kind of hunger. Not sexual at all, but it made me starkly feel how long it has been since I have held or touched a man’s hand. Ron’s hands. We held hands all the time. In bed, in the car, walking down the street, sitting on the couch. I long for Ron’s hands. I long to be spooned in bed and to have my back rubbed as I settle down to sleep. I long to feel his smooth skin and to kiss the freckles on his face. I long to press our cheeks together.

I long to be cared for. Who cares about my career path, my internal struggles, my insecurities, my hopes and my fears? I am blessed to be loved by many but if they think that I am generally okay then they are satisfied. They don’t need or want to know the details. We wanted to be better people individually and together. Who will struggle with me? Who will put in the work of life with me? I feel so alone. I am so alone.

I loved loving Ron. I wanted to be a good partner, lover, friend, ally, and wife to him. I loved trying. I loved being connected to him. He made my life so much fuller, so much more interesting. Together I felt we were open to grace, open to the possibilities. Alone, I feel like all I can do is maintain. Maybe that is enough and I know, with gratitude, how very fortunate I am today, this minute,  on this earth-- even having lost him --but having tasted more I just don’t know.

I long for connection but starting anew is not in my heart’s desire. The idea of being alone forever is terrifying. I am too young to give up on a new love. Maybe someday I will be able to open myself to someone else but I am not ready for that, in any way.

What is my heart’s desire? I don’t know. I thought I’d been granted it. I don’t know how to want something new. I don’t want something new. It is a crazy feeling to want something so very badly that I cannot ever have. It feels like madness.

I looked up the word “intimate” because I would have though that intimacy described my longing but I am not sure that intimate goes deep enough. Here is what I found: 1. the state of being intimate. 2. a close, familiar, and affectionate personal relationship. 3. a close association with or deep understanding of a place, subject, etc. 4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity or affection: the intimacy of using first names. 5. a sexual liberty. 6. privacy, esp. as suitable to the telling of a secret: in the intimacy of his studio.

There must be a deeper word to describe the relationship between two spouses. That missing word is what I long for.

What is your heart’s desire? What do you long for? Just Ron.

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Comment by MrsD on September 10, 2013 at 2:17pm

Saudade. It's a Portugese word that "describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or deeply melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves."

Comment by MissingRKK on September 8, 2013 at 5:27pm

Thanks for writing my dear WV friends. You  give me such comfort and I am so grateful. Huge hugs to you!

Comment by Susan on September 8, 2013 at 4:18pm
So, so true. It does feel like madness, this desperate longing for something that is impossible. I, too, long for just one thing. Kevin.
Comment by MissDave (Laura) on September 8, 2013 at 3:32pm

That was probably one of the more profound things I've read lately.  It describes EXACTLY what I'm feeling!  It's been 41 days since I last kissed my David, held his hand...just felt him.  Every day, I miss not only the intellectual closeness we shared, but the physical closeness, as well.  Every day, David would wrap me in one of his big bear hugs.  You said what I've been trying to describe...David gave me an extra layer of protection.  That feeling of loving and of being loved, which is indescribable to anyone who hasn't experienced true, deep love.  That special feeling of knowing that he loved me always, whether we were side by side in bed or at work or wherever.  It's that connection.  And now, that connection has been disrupted.  I so long for David's touch, his voice whispering in my ear.  I'll use your closing lines: What is your heart's desire?  What do you long for?  Just David.

Comment by Lori on September 7, 2013 at 7:53am
I could have written this myself as well. It has been 6 short years since my life changed dramatically ... I stand alone in a crowd ... I miss the intimacy soo much as well, loving support, and for some reason I miss my confidence. A huge part of who I am and was has disappeared ... I function, I work, I pay bills, tinker in my home but often don't know what to do with myself. I can't remember the last time someone asked me how I was, told me I was strong and resilient . Said any words of kindness or even compliment me. My heart aches but somehow I/we must not let the days pass and not truly live. I pray for all that have suffered great loss and have to believe there is something for us around the corner.
Comment by Suz on September 5, 2013 at 4:11pm

My gosh, i could have written this myself, C., except that I am probably twenty years older than you! As the old song goes, "didn't we have it all." I feel blessed, blessed, blessed to the core for having had such a beautiful marriage of easy intimacy. I, too, feel the craziness you feel of longing only for Jud. I know that because you are younger, there is more question about "the rest of your life" from others and maybe, from yourself, but I, too, feel that. I feel I should be looking, be open but I look for Jud on the dating sites (just a peek) and he's not there.

So good to see you. I meant to be in contact. What can I has been a hard time.

You write beautifully, by the way. This is one of my favorite pieces on this site.

Big hugs!

Comment by khardst on September 4, 2013 at 8:03pm

I'm really sorry for your loss. Your words are so touching, so real and so true.  You really summed it up for many of us on here.  Thank you for this.

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