I felt so protected. Loving Ron gave me an extra layer of skin, a set of body armor. It was like wearing the softest, warmest blanket with a delicate head covering. I felt safe. What is your heart’s desire? What do you long for? I was asked these questions. She said it would help if I knew. What do I long for now? I long to be known, to know. I long to breathe in Ron’s essence, that which bound me to him. I long for his presence.
Skin hunger. I just learned that phrase. I don’t long for sex right now. Maybe I will someday and that will just add another layer of complication to my longing. A male friend squeezed my hand in sympathy and it set off some kind of hunger. Not sexual at all, but it made me starkly feel how long it has been since I have held or touched a man’s hand. Ron’s hands. We held hands all the time. In bed, in the car, walking down the street, sitting on the couch. I long for Ron’s hands. I long to be spooned in bed and to have my back rubbed as I settle down to sleep. I long to feel his smooth skin and to kiss the freckles on his face. I long to press our cheeks together.
I long to be cared for. Who cares about my career path, my internal struggles, my insecurities, my hopes and my fears? I am blessed to be loved by many but if they think that I am generally okay then they are satisfied. They don’t need or want to know the details. We wanted to be better people individually and together. Who will struggle with me? Who will put in the work of life with me? I feel so alone. I am so alone.
I loved loving Ron. I wanted to be a good partner, lover, friend, ally, and wife to him. I loved trying. I loved being connected to him. He made my life so much fuller, so much more interesting. Together I felt we were open to grace, open to the possibilities. Alone, I feel like all I can do is maintain. Maybe that is enough and I know, with gratitude, how very fortunate I am today, this minute, on this earth-- even having lost him --but having tasted more I just don’t know.
I long for connection but starting anew is not in my heart’s desire. The idea of being alone forever is terrifying. I am too young to give up on a new love. Maybe someday I will be able to open myself to someone else but I am not ready for that, in any way.
What is my heart’s desire? I don’t know. I thought I’d been granted it. I don’t know how to want something new. I don’t want something new. It is a crazy feeling to want something so very badly that I cannot ever have. It feels like madness.
I looked up the word “intimate” because I would have though that intimacy described my longing but I am not sure that intimate goes deep enough. Here is what I found: 1. the state of being intimate. 2. a close, familiar, and affectionate personal relationship. 3. a close association with or deep understanding of a place, subject, etc. 4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity or affection: the intimacy of using first names. 5. a sexual liberty. 6. privacy, esp. as suitable to the telling of a secret: in the intimacy of his studio.
There must be a deeper word to describe the relationship between two spouses. That missing word is what I long for.
What is your heart’s desire? What do you long for? Just Ron.