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It will be 2 years August 16 that I found my husband dead in our car, he was waiting for me while I had my Mom at an appointment. I came out and he was slumped over steering wheel, I thought he was sleeping, but when I touched him, I knew. The EMT worked on him for over 15 minutes, then transferred him to the hospital where a Doctor pronounced him dead.  The rest of that afternoon is still a blur, and the days following.  The past couple of months I am more sad and depressed, our 30th anniversary was July 4.  Wes was the kindest, loving, caring, sensitive, funny man I have ever met. It was the second marriage for both us, we had both been cheated on by our ex spouses.  My friend tells me, she is tired of my sadness and drama, she misses the “old” person I was, happy, and funny and loving.  That person died with Wes, which no one seems to understand.  I lost my sister a year before Wes and my Mom this March. My daughter lives in Florida, I feel there is no one to turn to. I just want my husband, and as crazy as it sounds I am just now believeing and knowing he is not coming back.  I can’t concentrate enough to read, I watch tv, and all of a sudden I have no idea of what is going on. I miss him so much my heart hurts, everyday, all day. I have no motivation, nor do I want any, I stay at home, it’s the only comfort I feel.  Thank you for listening. To all others who are struggling and have pain and heartache I so understand and pray for all.

Lost

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Comment by Lost on July 18, 2020 at 9:39pm

Borntobehappy, I am glad you are feeling better. I listen to my sermon on line Sunday mornings to. It is so lonley and I am so sad, but for my husband I am trying to go on. Hope you sleep well tonight.

Comment by Borntobehappy on July 17, 2020 at 9:13pm

Good evening Lost. I am the same way that it's hard for me to fall asleep. After I fall asleep, I wake up around 3-4am, I use the BR and force myself to sleep. It is very rough Friday's, weekends and at nights. I was struggling tonight. After my daughter and grandson left about 7:30pm, I'm alone. I started to think of my old wonderful life of unwinding with my partner, Alex. I started to cry and thought to myself that I can't keep crying bec my new life is empty. I started to pray bec I need help to overcome this unbearable loneliness. I am not trying to preach here but I did watch and listen to sermon this morning. That it's about living in the present....it spoke to me. I'm so determined to rebuild my life. My Alex love life...so I will strive to get back on living as he would want me too. Btw...I'm feeling better...lol. Goodnight !

Comment by Lost on July 17, 2020 at 8:38pm

Thank you for your caring words.  It’s Friday evening, weekends and evenings are harder for me. I can’t sleep anymore, I go to sleep most times at 3am, sleep for a few hours, and try to make it thru another day. I am just taking it one step at a time.

Comment by Debb on July 17, 2020 at 12:15pm

Good afternoon I understand how you feel this is a very hard and lonely journey. I miss my husband very much. Some days I want to move and others I am happy to still be living here in our family home. Take it one minute at a time. 

Comment by Borntobehappy on July 15, 2020 at 9:29pm

Hi Lost. I hope that you are feeling better. Happy 30 years anniversary! I too believe nothing has changed between you and your husband. You're celebrating here and him there(perhaps in heaven)!

I am approaching the 2nd year without my Alex. So it helps to know that there's still much sadness to expect. This will be in February 20, 2021!

And only1Sue, thank you for the words of encouragement !

Comment by only1sue on July 14, 2020 at 3:21pm

Lost, what you are going through sounds typical to me, I was lost and lonely still at your stage. I don't think I actually went back to something like the "old me" for about four years. I did have some counselling and although that doesn't make a lot of difference mentally it did help me redirect my thinking. What I found was a group of widows, part of my acquaintances from previous associations that could relate to what I was going through. The funny, laughing person I was took a long time to return. I think now at 73 ( I was 65 whenRay died) I am much more relaxed about life BUT you never really go back to being the person you were and your friends either accept that or they don't and are replaced by people who can accept the new you.

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