Wondering what will happen in the future. Wondering what the future holds for me. Wondering if I now have the resilience to makes some changes. I have been a long time in the grieving process and maybe it is time to "move on".
I am sitting here thinking. Where will I find someone who will cherish me, just as I am, overweight, developing wrinkles, with a double chin and a body no longer young? Wondering how I will react to new changes if I do. Am I up for new thinking, new opportunities? Yes, two years out from Ray's death and I am once more open to what lies ahead. It is Spring, birds nesting, people getting out the lawn furniture, BBQing in the back yard. I can hear distant shrieks from children playing in the back yard swimming pool a few houses over, the neighbours are walking their dogs and wave as they go by. Time to reassess my way of life.
This is a time of the year when it is awkward for one little old lady living on her own. So I am old (-er) than I used to be but the Spring still makes me think of so many delights, swimming in the sea, stretching out on the sand, coming home to a leisurely dinner shared with... you get the idea. So my thoughts turn where? I don't know. I still feel reluctant to say yes to a date, yes to a new man in my life. So I have to go through an attitude change if I want companionship. Oh my, can I do that?
I have just had two weekends away, the first with a group of 19 people from one of the organizations I belong to. We go away for a four day break every year. I share a cabin with another widow. It is fun but with the fun comes the wishful thinking as I watch the couples, helping each other, walking hand-in-hand, retiring for an afternoon nap and coming back flushed and coy, so you know what they have been up to! There was no dancing, so no angst over that. But just the thought every now and again that it is a couples world.
The second break was to Adelaide to present our minister to his new congregation so apart from two other couples and his family I knew no-one so I was Sue alone and everyone treated me that way. It was a new situation and I managed okay. I test myself out that way. I flew out alone, managed to be where I needed to be, came back alone. The trip back had a few glitches but I managed okay. I did stay with our former Rector and his family for two nights so that was good. I knew I would get home after dark because I couldn't get an earlier flight out. I did okay but I was so glad to get back inside my own house and it is my house now, no-one else's.
So how do I take the next step? the remix of my life, the adding of the new and the gentle dropping away of the old? How do I even discover what it is I want out of life? I have had a lot of advice from friends and family lately as they can see the changes in me. Some people want me to sell up, move out, do new things, make a lot of changes. Some want me to move forward but with some caution and to make sure I know what I am doing, planning it all out first every step of the way. I think whatever I do next there will be some people who think I have done the wrong thing.
Looking away from the past to the future is hard. I know I will have to make some mistakes in order to move forward, whatever direction that takes me in. It is more than a little scary but I know I do need to keep moving on, for my own sake.