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I did a rotten thing yesterday, well ok, I've "lost it" numerous times, but yesterday topped it. I was a horrible mom. I got up 5:45 a.m. - drove my 15 yr old to work, got back at 7 and crawled back into bed. My 12 yr old came in several times, I'd answer him and burrow back down in. Finally, about 1 o'clock I couldn't handle the guilty feelings of neglecting my kids and got up, but all I wanted to do was crawl back in bed.
The day just went downhill from there, to the point that by 5:00 I had reamed out both kids, hid in my closet-screaming into my pillow - when I was finally worn out, and vocal chords hoarse, I sat wondering how did I get to that point? How is it I could treat my kids that way - first completely ignoring them, then reaming them out?
The reality is that they deserved a lashing - both were utterly disrespectful to me and to each other, behaving and talking in a way that they would never have even attempted if their dad had been there, and it's not like it's behavior I've been allowing. I just lost it, at least I didn't hit them, though I'm sure DHS wouldn't have been overly impressed with what I said to them, nor would have Dave.
So how to regroup from yesterday? The rest of the night and this morning we pretty much moved on eggshells around each other - I'm sure they were waiting for me to explode again.
That's not what I want, how I want to be, the type of person/mother I am - I'm sure a lot of it is that I just need a break - but, that's a fantasy - I mean a break actually happening. My brother has plenty going on right now - he'd help in a heartbeat, but like I said, he's got enough on his own plate w/ his family. My parents are in Texas for the winter - I made them go, my sister lives 3 hrs away, and also has lots to handle. My in-laws - not reliable - the last time I left them in charge for just a couple hours I came back to a totaled house, homework not done, and kids had not been taken to the events committments they were to have been to. During the week, I work. I can't afford to take days off at no pay - teaching there aren't "vacation days" - those are J,J, & 2 wks of Aug- my personal days I need to keep for emergencies.
I look at my photos - even the one posted here and wonder - who is that woman? I look 10 yrs older, feel 100 yrs older - I wonder, where is that family? Did it really truly exist? It's like I, we -the boys & I - are just fading away - how do I get us back? And it seems the harder I try, the more we all just fade away - some days, I think I've lost it all, lately, I know I'm still losing it.