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Just wondering if anyone else has gone through this. The loss of joy. Since my wife passed, the joy of life has left with here. I don't mean feeling lonely or the loss of love. We all face that. It seem to be the biggest part of grief. What I mean is the lack of caring....about anything. I never realized the amount of joy my wife put out. Cleaning, cooking and decorating. Always with a smile, know matter how hard it was she made it seem effortless. Some people can project a arora and some cant. Most days it takes everything I've jot to get out of bed and face the day. The drive is gone from me. I can't find a spark of joy. After countless therapy sessions I still can't find a sliver of joy. I explained it to my therapist this way " It's like someone put a chain on me that wont allow me to do anything" No matter how I try the results are the same. This part is the worse for me. I don't like grief, no one dose buy I can except all that it brings and learn to live with it, Face it for what it is. With out joy life is just hard. The little things like feed the birds or seeing a new fallen snow being hit by sunshine. A blue sky with white clouds. The things that make me, me. The things that made my wife fall in love with me. I no that my life is different now then what it was but I'm still me. I may live the rest of my life without love or a partner. That doesn't bother me but to think that I'll never find the joy of a spring day or the smell of blooming flowers in the air, that little bit of joy. Laughing without it being fake. that's hard. I hate being a hollow shell. I no that the loss of a spouse is devastating but losing yourself is hard also. We all write of one side of this journey. Here's a side I don't hear much about.

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Comment by Mariposa on December 8, 2013 at 7:45am

Dan-  So sorry for your loss . I remember when I thought I would never feel joy again. Your loss is so fresh that the pain and grief is a dark cloud that obliterates all of the light at this time.  Be patient and kind to yourself.   It takes time to heal from the loss of the love of your life.  Grief puts us in such pain that it is as if we are in a cocoon of darkness. Little by little healing will come at the pace that is right for you,  and the pull of life will bring out into the sunshine. However, each person's journey is unique.

I lost my husband to a rare cancer and Dec. 12th marks 24 months without him. I am raising our 15 year old alone. It has been a tough journey and everyday is different, but step by step, I  move forward. It is not easy. However, I have days when I have experienced joy again. My son brings me joy. I try to count my blessings and cultivate gratitude. It is when we are in the darkness of deep night that we can see the tiniest and brightest stars.

I wish you peace, comfort, strength and healing.


Comment by Mac on December 3, 2013 at 7:38pm

Hang in there Dan. Time does help for most. The joy of life can be even better, given our new perspective.

Comment by oceangirl on December 3, 2013 at 2:30pm

I absolutely know what you're saying, Dan. I felt the same way. There are times I still feel the same way, and I'm 5 1/2 years out. But this is the deal - there were times I sat outside and watched the birds, or walked the beach and watched the pelicans...and I felt it. That  moment of being outside myself, and just observing and feeling. And I was aware of it, and hoarded those moments. I'm so much more aware of them now. Those moments will come to you.

Comment by smit09 on December 3, 2013 at 9:23am

((((HUGS)))) big and massive hugs!!!!

If I am being 100% real, the joy that was in my heart and in my life while I was with my husband was like NO OTHER.  He was much like your wife, in that fact that he made being happy looking really effortless.  When he died, my joy was gone, my happiness was gone, and my life as I knew it, was gone.  He left me with a baby to birth... and our son was born 3 weeks after his passing.  It's embarrassing, and humiliating to say this, but even with the arrival of this sweet, innocent child, my joy for life was just not there.

They say that you cannot look to anyone to fulfill that joy, or to give you happiness...but when your spouse leaves you, it makes that theory very tempting to challenge.  However, 2 years have passed now since that fateful day, and I am finding joy in life again.

Just don't look at the whole picture, ...because that is when it seems daunting and impossible to find hope in the search for joy, rather, look at small portions of change in yourself, whether it's good or bad, don't label it as aware of the change, and build on it.  Soon you may find yourself proud of the new you, and joy will be around the corner.  peace to you as you heal... 

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on December 3, 2013 at 5:01am

(((Dan))) I do believe we all lose that spark of joy in the beginning.  It takes time to find it again but you will. Hang in there because it does get easier. It will slowly come return.  Sending you (((BIB HUGS))) and may your day be softer.

Comment by laurajay on December 2, 2013 at 7:44pm

oh Dan.  my  husband  saw the glass as half full...I saw it as half empty.  He had a smiling face  all the time by design. I was somber often---  but I have not lost experiencing joy.  Sometimes it fills me so that I wonder  how there came be so many miracles  every day  right here with us.  Showing us beauty. Giving us melody that is new. Allowing a fragrance to excite us or calm us...  I wish we could talk in person sometimes  perhaps it would spark something in you to ignite.  Your wife had a gift of joy and perhaps you fed off of it not realizing  and now she is gone  and somehow the joy seems to have left with has not my friend.  You love her still so deeply it is hard to find your own measure of joy.  Somehow we are supposed to stand alone and go forward  everything in tact  including joy.  No easy task.  Can you find a bit of joy holding your grandchild? Can you take a taste of a favorite food , move it around your mouth ,  feel it's texture  and feel the joy of savoring it?  Can you spill something or drop something  and laugh at your mistake  knowing that makes you very much alive?  Can  you change your thinking to realize  joy may come to you on pitter patter feet hardly able to recognize...perhaps-  accept the beauty, the gift that comes to you now but not connected to your wife?  Can you put on an imaginary cloak  and step into a new place to visit in your thinking?  Oh,  Dan,  I am not saying this well at all---Let me pray about it (you)  and see if I find better words to share.   It does not take another person to find joy.  It takes an open heart  willing to let in what your Maker has put here just for you because you are loved  just the way you are---even joyless.  I am believing  joy will return to you, Dan.   And I'd like to hear about it when it does.     lj

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