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My husband received a bone marrow transplant in November.  At the hospital they bring cake after the transplant and sing happy birthday to the patient to celebrate their new birthday.  Our children were too little to visit him in the hospital because they carry too many germs.  He passed away in December from Graft Vs Host.  They let my children come visit once they knew things weren't going to turn around.  Explaining to a 2 and 4 year old that Daddy wasn't going to get better and that we had to say goodbye was beyond difficult, it felt impossible.  In a way it was impossible.  While my mature 4 year old understands that Daddy is in Heaven and he isn't coming back, my 2 year old just can't grasp the concept.  She often tells me she misses daddy and wants to go visit him in the hospital.  I explain to her that he died and that he is in Heaven.  Her response cuts like a knife 'oh yes that is right, he died, Daddy died.' (she does say this and quite clearer, she is a very early talker).

Last night I came across the video I took of the nurses singing happy birthday to my husband who still had the right coloring, wasn't swollen, and even had some hair.  I showed it to my 2 year old and she jumped up and down in the air exclaiming, 'daddy is better, he is better!  Yay Mommy.'  I cried and I cried and she tried comforting me 'shhh shhh shhh mommy, its okay don't cry.' Which really only made me cry more.  I know he is better now, he isn't hurting anymore, but she doesn't realize he is better because he isn't here anymore.  It breaks my heart even more that by the time she understands and really realizes what happened she will likely not have her own memories of her dad.  She will just have the memories I give her.  This seems the most unfair of all the unfair things that came with losing my love.  

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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on May 10, 2017 at 6:53pm

Oh Orb, I just read your post and could not hold back the tears. I am so sorry for your loss. And yes, it is not only unfair, but cruel. It has got to be a Herculean task to grieve and also try to explain/support/comfort little ones that can't really understand. I hope that somehow, someway, these little precious babes can give you comfort and strength and remind you of the love you had that created them. It can't be easy. I have no idea how bad this must feel. I hope that there are some resources for you to draw upon to help you during your grieving.

Comment by Callie2 on February 22, 2017 at 2:08pm
So sad, it must be heartbreaking. Hugs to you and the children, I am sorry for your loss.

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