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Loss loss loss
I'm feeling overwhelmed by the loss and sadness that I continue to experience in my life this year. Honey started getting sick on Feb. 21. In and out of the hospital 5 times till the last time. Daughter and granddaughters moved out in March (she got married so it's a good thing). Honey Died in May. Son got married in July (he was already moved out but it's feels different now that he's married). 1 daycare girl left in early July. Another 1 left in late July. 2 more are leaving this week. 2 more leave when school starts. I think what sent me over the edge today is that my youngest granddaughter who I've cared for since birth (she's almost 5) is 1 of the ones that is leaving when school starts. I thought I had an extra year with her because of her birthday but Momma got her in somehow. My daughter is pregnant again but her Mother in law will be taking care of the baby since it's her first grandchild and she wants to. I know my kids and grandkids are still around and close by but it still feels like everyone has left. I'm going to be down to 2 daycare children which is basically unemployed so it's going to hurt. I've got a little life insurance but that's dwindling slowly but surely because it really wasn't a whole lot. I just wish I would go to sleep and not wake up since no one needs me here except my doggies and they'll be taken care of if I go. Oh and let's not forget the friends who have disappeared also. My heart hurts. I feel like such a crybaby today:(
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Comment
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Comment by honeys(puddin) on August 7, 2012 at 11:31am
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I am rampaging through closets and drawers in an effort to clear out this house. I am ripping the carpet out of our bedroom one section at a time. The mancave and living room are next. I will have the house tiled little by little. I am decluttering and purging. It gives me something to do. He is not here, things don't mean the same things anymore. I have very little sentimental value of things these days. The first clothing drive got my wedding dress and his wedding suit. I'm about to throw my bouquet and cake topper. Things just don't mean anything without him. In my head I'm cleaning the house out for my kids when I die. I don't want them to have to do it. With my luck I'll be here 30 yrs.;/
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Comment by lovie on August 7, 2012 at 9:50am -
I am so sorry that you are having such difficult change again. Bad days always produce devastating and not-really-intended thoughts and ideas. I hope today brings you a clearer picture of your future. Stay strong for your beloved husband; he would not want you suffer so much. Wishing you a better day today and each day after this one.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on August 7, 2012 at 8:23am -
HUGS. I hope that you have better days ahead, it's what we all long and wish for.
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I've been so lucky to have 1 or more of our Granddaughters in care for the last 10 years. Our oldest is 11, then 9 then 4. It's just always the way it's been and now it's not. One more major adjustment for me. I hate this whole world of change I exist in. My Mother is 82 yrs. old, been a widow for 20 yrs.. I do not want to be as unhappy in my world as she has been in hers. She longs for death, yet, she takes care of her health, is more physically active than anyone I know, does her own yard work, drives, takes the bus, makes all her Dr. appt.s, goes to a community center daily for interaction w/ others, etc. yet she is so sick and tired of being in this world. At this point my worst fear is being like my other at that age:(
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Comment by suebru (Sue) on August 6, 2012 at 10:00pm -
I hurt for you when I read your post....but how fortunate for your children that you were able to care for their children/your grandchildren. You have most likely made a huge impact (positive) on your grandchildren. I hope you can tell your children that you would still like to have your grandchildren visit often-spend the night, shopping trips, cookie baking, etc. Have you considered contacting local churches, YWCA/YMCA's, schools, etc.of your childcare openings?
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I cry when I need to. I also scream and get angry about my situation when I need to. I cannot contain my feelings. Out of control. That's how I feel. I can't see my future. Really I think I don't want to see my future.
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Granddaughter #3 will be going to a school by her Mothers house which is not near my house nor near son and his new wifes house either. I do have a sign out and an ad on Craigslist.I know that everyone here gets it and that's why I vent. It helps:)
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Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on August 6, 2012 at 3:34pm -
(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) I have those kind of days... but honestly your son, daughter & grand daughter would have huge holes in their hearts... and not understand.
I sometimes feel, I am here for the dogs. My daughter & sil moved in with me.. Looks like they are splitting up... so will be daughter (45) me and all our critters.
Can you watch your granddaughter when she gets out of school? Maybe you can put an ad up.. in some local stores or paper, that you have openings for day care.You can be a cry baby today.. or any day you want..
Take care of yourself ... be gentle with yourself and know you have friends here who "get it'
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Thanks. I have a sign in my front yard and I have constant ads on craigslist. Had a yard sale Saturday and made a whopping 25.00 The worst sale I've ever had but I did get rid of a lot of stuff by giving it away. I've got some things listed on craigslist also. Really if I died today my family would be sad but they would function the same. All we ever wanted was for our children to be functioning adults in the world. They are. Our jobs are done. I'm not suicidal but I do have a death wish:( Ugh. I was just thinking the other day that I was doing better but since last Fri. I have been a bucket of tears and a heart full of pain.
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Comment by telechick on August 6, 2012 at 12:39pm
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PS. I didn't mind your cursing in your comment on my post - I do a fair amount of it myself these days ;-)
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