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I honestly don't believe I have ever seen a sadder picture than this pic.  This is my son Frank, whom we affectionately call Tank.  This is Tank at his father's funeral.  The single most important person in this boy's life.  His best friend, his world, his idol, his love, his heart, his foundation and his rock.  He is wearing his daddy's "joke" glasses.  He is wearing his father's watch and his father's class ring and his father's belt buckle and his father's boots.  Do you see a pattern here?  We are coming up on a year that we have lost him and this boy is still a mess.  I used to pray that we would get the old Tank back soon.  Now I know we never will.  I just have to pray that we get a sane, solid, somewhat happy Tank back.  One that wants to live life again.  I lost the love of my life and so much pain comes from that but no pain crushes a mother like seeing your first born, your only son in such extreme pain all the time.  It literally rips my heart out and stomps all over it.  Everything within my mother's soul wishes that I could have traded places and taken this boy's pain away.  He no longer knows his road. He no longer has faith.  He no longer loves or laughs without pause.  He is constantly sad, mad, troubled, destructive, hurting, pissed, confused, foggy, forgetful, spiteful, dishonest, egotistical, unprideful, self medicating....and yet when I look at this boy I see his father...if only I could give him that mirror and get him to see the beautiful man he can become again because his father raised him to be that.  Because his father was also that man......somedays I can feel Gary pushing the love down to Tank so strong and so long...just trying to father him as best he can. One day when this boy has a son....and he holds him in his arms, so proud and so loving I know he will understand.  He will see that his daddy never wanted to leave him.  His daddy lived for him and him alone.  One day I hope these wounds will scar over....for now they are still so painful and raw and weeping....and I am unable to do anything to help.

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Comment by smp1122 on October 14, 2014 at 7:04am

Thank you Laurajay.

Comment by laurajay on October 13, 2014 at 2:45pm

Frank had his loving father for his early childhood.  Now that he has lost him,   he travels his own journey to healing.  It has only been one year.  There is NO timetable for this grief.  I assume you have encouraged counseling with someone who specializes in loss of a parent? You can love and support your son but you cannot take  the place of his father.  TIME.   Oh but it does feel so sad and long that this grief permeates our very souls and seems to never let up.  Does Tank understand that he is on earth for  reason?  That his father watches over him and still loves him?  That if he could, his father would speak to him and ask him to search for meaning and not give up.  We as humans are not promised all the answers. We can expect that we never will  have an explanation that makes sense or that we accept.  Why did his father die and leave him?  What kind of a world has these kinds of things happening with no good reason?  I cannot offer answers for any of this either.  But  I have glimpsed at light and joy briefly. It is still in the world.  Can you find someone he can vent his anger with--not you--you are too close.  He needs time to process all this pain.  It is frightening as  parent.  Whenever our children grow through things that cause pain  we feel the pain as well.   Grief being the worst of it.  I wish you success in finding Tank someone to share with.  For now, just continue to love him.  You cannot smother away the problem or the pain.  It has to be felt for as long as necessary.  Try for help until you find someone Tank will listen to and share  with.  Sorry you are going through this...When my husband died unexpectedly  in 2012,  our daughter looked at me , in misery and said..."Mom, I wasn't ready for dad not to be in my life!"   The grandchildren  at 6 and 7 lost their pal, there best  "papa".  We still talk of him.  The pain is very real...but believing we are here for purpose...we keep on caring and loving and I do believe if we care and share and give reverence to our grief and embrace it...we will too, will your son. I believe.   love laurajay

Comment by smp1122 on October 13, 2014 at 9:21am

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