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May. Wedding Anniversary (death anniversary, too but that is another post...)

May. So it was going to arrive one way or another. I wish my brain and heart would have given me these final days in April to rest.  But no, that is not what is happening. 6 days until our wedding anniversary and I am plunged back into a deep grief I haven’t felt for a while. Scattered, fragile, overwhelmed by grief, overwhelmed by each task large or small, doubting myself, my decisions, wondering what the hell am I going to do with my life now, wondering how another year could have passed without Ron. Wondering, hurting, trying to breathe.  Well, April, thank you for being good, a little easier, for a while. It was nice while it lasted.

I want my family and friends to remember that May 5th is our anniversary. It is not like I am good at remembering other people’s anniversaries so it is likely that I will need to remind people if I want it to be on their minds. I want them to remember because I want them to remember Ron. He fell in love.  He got married, he was a married man, and he had a wife. He had me. I had a husband and was married and that is the biggest part of my identity that was ripped away from me when he was ripped away from me. Someone suggested to me that I try on the thought/idea that maybe Ron was supposed to live exactly and only as long as he did. Does that mean we were supposed to be married for only 11 years? Does that mean I was supposed to have a life partner for only 13 years in life. Out of my life, for however long I get to live, I was supposed to be married to Ron for only 11 years?  My love for him hasn’t died but we had only 13 years of life together.

I want my anniversary remembered for Ron because I am tired of mourning alone. I believe others are mourning him, too but they rarely share their feelings with me and it makes me feel alone and sad. Even though I think they are mourning him because I can’t know for certain, it makes me feel like he isn’t being celebrated or honored as I think he should be. That is on me. I can’t control others, right? Only myself so I should probably stop worrying about how others are mourning and concentrate on the fact that I wish I could have some company in my mourning and those are my feelings and I can’t force anything from other people.

I wish our anniversary would be remembered for me, too. I was Ron’s wife. He was my husband. I loved being married. I felt so safe.  It wasn’t always easy and I wondered if our marriage would last but the more and more I have learned about relationships and marriages as I have worked through this grieving process the more I learn that we really did have a good, solid marriage.  I often didn’t know it at the time. I really had no idea of what a strong marriage is made of.  As much as I thought our communication wasn’t great, I have learned that it was greater than most others. As I tell my grief counselor stories of my life with Ron she, who counsels couples all the time, remarks that Ron and I had what her couples are trying to achieve.  We loved each other, warts and all. We wanted to be better people for each other. I worried so much that Ron had to bend and change for me and that at some point he would break and say, enough. And then leave me.  I didn’t realize what an act of love his willingness to look at himself and his behavior and want to change it to please me was.  We really wanted to please each other. And we so enjoyed each other’s company.  I didn’t have enough confidence and trust to realize how strong we really were. I don’t sugar coat the stories I tell her. If I was an ass I say so and if Ron was an ass I say so. There was plenty of assy-ness to go around! I wanted to be a better wife and partner for Ron and I was learning how to do that and I grieve the loss of the opportunity and the possibility of what our future would have been together.

So, May 5th approaches and the cracks in my heart that were healing are broken open again. The crevasses that have yet to grow new skin are stretching wider and the hurt and the sad and the anger and the WTF (!!) are flowing through. 

I love you, Ron. I miss you. And I thank you for sharing your life and love with me for 13 years.

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Comment by MissingRKK on April 30, 2014 at 6:04am

Thanks for your message, Laurajay.   I appreciate what you expressed. I write to release my grief, to set it free, so to speak, to help me move with and through it. I am waiting to see what bubbles up for the right way to celebrate May 5th. I did that last year and the day was actually quite lovely. If nothing else, I will go to the gardens where we had his memorial and where there is a commemorative brick laid in his honor and remember the many times we shared in those gardens and how much at peace we felt when we were there. Big hugs to you. 

Comment by laurajay on April 29, 2014 at 11:15am

Missing...ah, but we do mourn alone even among understanding friends and family.  It  was our mate-for-life that died and therefore that's the reality of the intense pain the seems worse on certain calendar dates.  Accept it.  You cannot change truth. Make your own little celebration on May 5.   Light a candle, sing him a song or read a poem.  If he had a special hobby...find out more  about it and deliver a  speech to him.  Make a quiet time and breathe in your memories then release your breath and let go.  We will not forget  the best of our spouses and what we knew as our personal truths.  We always heal from the inside out.  Don't  pick at the scab of your grief!  Believe your love and begin to heal way down inside  beneath what your words are able to say.  Life goes on in a million ways  as you must also do.  You are called to live.  Gently put grief into a special chamber within you  where it will surface eventually as  precious memory.  Expect nothing from others and then you will have no disappointment.  Keep telling your story  until the time comes when you will want more...then your now unknown future will unfold.   Always enjoy your writing  as it encourages me to think about and share what I believe.   love   lj

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