May. So it was going to arrive one way or another. I wish my brain and heart would have given me these final days in April to rest. But no, that is not what is happening. 6 days until our wedding anniversary and I am plunged back into a deep grief I haven’t felt for a while. Scattered, fragile, overwhelmed by grief, overwhelmed by each task large or small, doubting myself, my decisions, wondering what the hell am I going to do with my life now, wondering how another year could have passed without Ron. Wondering, hurting, trying to breathe. Well, April, thank you for being good, a little easier, for a while. It was nice while it lasted.
I want my family and friends to remember that May 5th is our anniversary. It is not like I am good at remembering other people’s anniversaries so it is likely that I will need to remind people if I want it to be on their minds. I want them to remember because I want them to remember Ron. He fell in love. He got married, he was a married man, and he had a wife. He had me. I had a husband and was married and that is the biggest part of my identity that was ripped away from me when he was ripped away from me. Someone suggested to me that I try on the thought/idea that maybe Ron was supposed to live exactly and only as long as he did. Does that mean we were supposed to be married for only 11 years? Does that mean I was supposed to have a life partner for only 13 years in life. Out of my life, for however long I get to live, I was supposed to be married to Ron for only 11 years? My love for him hasn’t died but we had only 13 years of life together.
I want my anniversary remembered for Ron because I am tired of mourning alone. I believe others are mourning him, too but they rarely share their feelings with me and it makes me feel alone and sad. Even though I think they are mourning him because I can’t know for certain, it makes me feel like he isn’t being celebrated or honored as I think he should be. That is on me. I can’t control others, right? Only myself so I should probably stop worrying about how others are mourning and concentrate on the fact that I wish I could have some company in my mourning and those are my feelings and I can’t force anything from other people.
I wish our anniversary would be remembered for me, too. I was Ron’s wife. He was my husband. I loved being married. I felt so safe. It wasn’t always easy and I wondered if our marriage would last but the more and more I have learned about relationships and marriages as I have worked through this grieving process the more I learn that we really did have a good, solid marriage. I often didn’t know it at the time. I really had no idea of what a strong marriage is made of. As much as I thought our communication wasn’t great, I have learned that it was greater than most others. As I tell my grief counselor stories of my life with Ron she, who counsels couples all the time, remarks that Ron and I had what her couples are trying to achieve. We loved each other, warts and all. We wanted to be better people for each other. I worried so much that Ron had to bend and change for me and that at some point he would break and say, enough. And then leave me. I didn’t realize what an act of love his willingness to look at himself and his behavior and want to change it to please me was. We really wanted to please each other. And we so enjoyed each other’s company. I didn’t have enough confidence and trust to realize how strong we really were. I don’t sugar coat the stories I tell her. If I was an ass I say so and if Ron was an ass I say so. There was plenty of assy-ness to go around! I wanted to be a better wife and partner for Ron and I was learning how to do that and I grieve the loss of the opportunity and the possibility of what our future would have been together.
So, May 5th approaches and the cracks in my heart that were healing are broken open again. The crevasses that have yet to grow new skin are stretching wider and the hurt and the sad and the anger and the WTF (!!) are flowing through.
I love you, Ron. I miss you. And I thank you for sharing your life and love with me for 13 years.