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Me
I am learning I am still "ME" yes a little different how can we not be. I did lose some confidence when I had the stroke, but with hard work, and John and my family cheering me on. I have regained some of my confidence back. Losing my biggest cheer leader I did lose some self confidence.. I am a fighter/ a survivor. I barely think about the stroke anymore. I do get a bit frustrated at the things I could once do easily, but can be more difficult now. I also have to remember I am no longer 40.. the days of carrying 40 to 50 lbs. and some other more physical things, are not just stroke related, but also due to having surgery on my right hand, and now my left on Friday, and I am getting older. My body just is not physically able to do what I did at 40 & 50..
Taking those first steps out.. to go to the grief group, Doing things alone now, that we did together.. getting through
firsts,.. birth days, Holidays. Making a new routine, and learning to say NO. The feisty lady is still in there. Just had to go through this grief journey and understand I am still ME. I still love to joke and tease, it is okay to laugh and enjoy my life. Yes I miss the special little things, and teasing, our routines. I also understand I am the one who had to make the move .. the first steps of movng forward. It is okay to cry or get frustrtaed ..but to stand up.. and face these challenges.
I was the one to deal with bills and most phone calls. John was a people person, big teddy bear. He did not like confrontations.. oh he could get upset and did run his business.. but if someone had to be let go.... it was usually up to me..(LOL)
I am coming out of my shell. but like a turtle I have days when I pull my head back in, but I am evolving... and understand it is not disrespctful to laugh and enjoy life. It is the opposite. it is respecting him and the reasons he loved me.. to come back out of my shell.
I will always remember our 20 yrs.. good times and not so great times. Now reaching out here, and to new friends instead of turning to him.
This is definately a roller coaster/ and not a fun one, but day bt day we get stronger.
Views: 76
Comment
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Comment by Blue Snow on October 28, 2012 at 8:45pm -
I guest I'm in the turtle club too. Great analogy. {{{hugs}}}
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on October 26, 2012 at 8:47am -
I like the turtle analogy, a lot. I think I need to use that!
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Comment by Joyce on October 25, 2012 at 3:27pm -
I love this, and I also am thankful for my "family" here. Love you all!
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Comment by Lori on October 25, 2012 at 12:02pm -
thanks bonnie and i like that feisty lady that is you. thanks for helping me find me again.
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Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on October 25, 2012 at 11:45am -
Thank you Everyone for all your wonderful replies. In 3 days it will be 16 months. I' not sure when the shock and reality that he is not going to walk through the door really hit home. I feel safe here. This is the place I can put out these emotions, I can talk freely in chat, I have learned to joke and laugh.
Thank you All my dear "NEW" family
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Comment by LaurieR on October 25, 2012 at 9:50am -
I so agree. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss his twisted sense of humor. I just miss him. But like you Bonnie, I am so thankful I can say Ron's name and not cry anymore. I am thankful the happy memories are coming through. Ronald was a teddy bear too. Gruff exterior but if you knew him, he had the kindest heart.
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Comment by grace28 on October 24, 2012 at 8:58pm
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What bothers me is that I am so good at motivating other people but can't help myself right now. Just can't believe that my life will ever be good again. the truth is that other than my Husband's death, I've been pretty lucky for most of my life. Many people would envy my life but I just can't get it together. No routine, no teasing, no one to watch TV with, no fighting in the car, no one to cook dinner for.. no one. Don't get me wrong, I'm in a support group, have a good family, many friends but it's just not the life I want. I said to my therapist " I don't have a life" and she said "Yes,you do but it's not the one you want" and that's 100% correct. Now what?
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Comment by hendrixx2 on October 24, 2012 at 8:38pm -
Hi Bonnie,
At the start we may think the ''me'' is not there, but as we move we realize it is, just covered a bit by the fog of grief...Bonnie, you so nailed if for me,
''Yes I miss the special little things, and teasing, our routines. I also understand I am the one who had to make the move .. the first steps of movng forward. It is okay to cry or get frustrtaed ..but to stand up.. and face these challenges.''
You are so right, we may miss those things, but we are the one's who have to do the moving...to stand up...we keep laying there and sooner or later something will run us over!....thanx so much for reminding me of those little things, and that laughter can fill our lives once again...
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Comment by bad ass widow on October 24, 2012 at 7:04pm -
Wonderful
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Comment by cec on October 24, 2012 at 6:26pm -
love it bonnie ...you are very wise ...
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