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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

We were watching family videos last night. It was 2009, and I was the videographer.  Wayne and some others were in the living room. We were on vacation.   I was enjoying watching Wayne, and listening to his voice.  I love hearing his voice.

I was so happy watching him. Then, Wayne said, "Ok, I have go go now, Bye!"  And he went out the door. 

Bamm.

I haven't recovered. It's been 24 hours.  Of course today is 17 months that Wayne is dead.

Am I losing it?  Is this my mind's way of reminding me that Wayne really is gone, for good?  You'd think I would already know this.  I don't need to see it, or play it over and over in my head. 

I haven't had a day like this ever.  I've been so good. So optimistic. So grateful. 

Today I've been .. how do I say this?  Bad, pessimistic and definitely not grateful. 

Wayne was so much fun. So full of life and energy.  This house was alive when he was here. The first thing I noticed after he died was that the house was quiet. At the time, this wasn't entirely a bad thing. He was so damn noisey, always on the telephone with his friends, cooking up the next big adventure.  It was actually a relief to have some peace and quiet.  Yeah, right.

I'd give anything to have his laughter and energy fill the house again.

 

I miss you, my buddy. 

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Comment by icecream on May 10, 2014 at 5:36am

Just read your blog about the video and Wayne saying - gotta go. I had a similar flashback - we were watching old home movies and usually it was my husband that was the videographer - this time, for some reason it was me. The girls were young like 4 and 2 (they are now 17 and 15) and my husband was pushing them on the swing set.  The date was 2/26/2002 - the date he died - 10 years later.  

Comment by Joyce on October 22, 2013 at 5:42pm

Diane, I went through something similar around the same time, about the time I went to Camp Widow.  From what others shared with me it's happens around the 16-19 month time frame.  I think it's part of our roller coaster ride that we're on.    I'm glad you're doing better today, hugs

Comment by Patience on October 22, 2013 at 4:04pm

Thank you, Ali!  I'm feeling a little better today.  Just wishing he were here....

Liz, you're welcome...  It does help to share...  

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on October 21, 2013 at 5:27pm

((Diane))  It's true...all your posts have always been so positive.  Perhaps you haven't allowed yourself to feel these things? I don't know, but I think that whatever you are feeling, it is OK. And you will ride this wave, and you will feel hopeful again.  ((hugs))

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