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I have what is described in Australia, as a king sized bed. I am not sure what that is in other countries, but it is the largest standard sized bed available here. My husband was tall so he preferred a large bed where he could spread out. We were never cuddle sleepers, preferring to have a cuddle, then retreat to our respective sides for sleep. This has resulted in two definite dips in the plush mattress topper. Since Sean died, I have been acutely aware of the size of the bed and that I am somewhat lost in it now. I tried sleeping in the middle, but the hump is uncomfortable - it is also a long way in from either edge to get into and out of. I tried sleeping on his side in his divot but that just feels wrong. So I sleep neatly on my side and when I make the bed in the morning, I barely need to smooth out his side. The cats, when they join me, sleep on me or snuggled in beside me, meaning that his side is not even being taken over by the cats. When I wash the sheets - I wash these huge big sheets that have only been half slept in. It all feels like a bit of a waste of bed. It also feels really lonely.

The other part of lonely that is my bed, is the love. You all get it, I'm sure. I miss the physical demonstrations of love and affection. I miss sex in all it's manifestations, I miss cuddles and kisses, I miss hand holding, and back rubs. I miss putting my cold feet or bum on him to warm them up - or make him jump! I miss the wrestles when he would deliberately make me so mad I wanted to flog him, but he would just hold me off giggling. He had a funny giggle that was really only used in those sorts of situations, so it usually made me laugh too in the end. I miss the problem solving and planning that took place lying next to each other in the dark. I miss the comfort of being held when the world got too big, or giving comfort when he was frustrated and sad. So much love in one bed. I think, every now and then, I even miss the nights when we weren't really getting on at all and sometimes wondered if there was someone better out there. Even those nights, we were in it together. 

I have re-made the bed with a sheet set that I loved. I have covered it in pillows and cushions  and made it look sumptuous and inviting and pretty. Sean would have complained EVERY night at having to take off all the pillows just to get in it. :) Since he is not here, however, I can make that bed my own. I have MADE that bed my own.....sort of.....I still only sleep on one small side of it. 

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Comment by JenniferR on Sunday

I sobbed as I read this at 4:00 am because I can’t sleep in my giant king size bed. This is how I feel too,  down to the cold feet and goggling. I am so heartbroken with yoi. Thank you for sharing.

Comment by DIVA70 on September 5, 2018 at 10:03pm

Thar you for your candor and your honesty. You put it so beautifully. 

Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on September 5, 2018 at 3:48pm

Yeah I can imagine how hard it would be to see it go, I cant imagine buying a new bed - that is a LONG way down the track. Maybe not till I have/if I have someone new to share it with.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on September 5, 2018 at 3:30pm

AAh Ms.  Em I relate to everything you've said.  Just recently I have found myself migrating towards the middle of the bed.  The bedroom suite I use is antique and sentimental to Jerry's daughter.   She's asked me if she can take it to the lake house, of course, I don't mind at all as I've never liked it anyway but it's sure going to be bittersweet to see it go.  

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