I'm just now crashing. My husband died March 3,2014 right here in our living room, in a hospital bed. I had been acting like super robot computer woman for the past three years. Now he is dead. It now just hit me. And I'm mostly very, very tired. I would like to stay inside and sleep. Over the summer I fell in love, my heart soared to heights I did not know were possible. This was a boy, my crush from when I was 13 or 14 - it ended so badly. He just started to drift from me, left me guessing. I became totally confused. He does not love me. My heart got broken, again. Now, Christmas is here. I'm excited for 2015, to see the year end. I hate the pain in my heart. I am numb. I feel I am just....existing. life is nothing without a mate.