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You died in May of 2012.
So impossible to understand the finality of death until it happens. Five years is a long time. Long. I don't like this feeling of missing you so much. I can't imagine five more years feeling so ... adrift ...
My 85 year old mother fell and broke her hip 2 weeks ago. That makes it even harder to get into the "Christmas spirit." I have a feeling she'll be able to rehab this hip but I have this scary feeling about her future.
What is the Christmas spirit? I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I never was one for over the top shopping, decorating.... all of that just seemed superficial and it didn't really excite me all that much, even before you died. Don't get me wrong, I loved visiting with family and friends ... it was just that all the preparations overwhelmed me...even then!
But now, I don't think I'm even going to write Christmas cards. Just not in the mood. I actually was more apt to do holiday things last year or the year before.. this year it's just ...enertia...
I want you to know I'm grateful for the 34 years we had together, so grateful for everything ..
Just missing you so very much and wishing you were here...
I'm wondering if it would be any easier to live if there were no holidays.

I love you so much,


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Comment by wildflower on December 22, 2016 at 6:54pm

Hi Diane,

Sorry to hear about your mom and that this fifth Christmas is so diffficult.  This is my fourth Christmas and I can so relate.  I am really missing my husband.  I can so understand not liking the feeling of missing them so much.  

Wishing you peace during this holiday season.


Comment by booktime (Susan) on December 21, 2016 at 4:54pm

Your words really resonate with me,Diane. This is my 4th Christmas without Ed and in some ways it is harder for me. I did send out Christmas cards! but no tree. Some lights.

So sorry about your mom. Mine is still going strong at 96! But I know and she knows her time will come. In many ways, she has been my rock, my mentor in grief. She lost my dad in 2009 and resolved to live, to thrive. Which she has.

I do feel grateful for my time with Ed. I do wish he was here. At the same time, I know have grown beyond the time he was here.

I'm glad to have read your post - it means a lot to me. Hugs.

Comment by Hope on December 21, 2016 at 4:53am

Feeling adrift...that's me at 18 months. It feels like this year is harder than last. I have a few decorations up but my heart is not in it. I hope your Mom has a good outcome and recovery. You have a lot on your plate. Please know I care

Comment by lonelyinaz on December 20, 2016 at 10:25pm

Hi Diane,

As I've said before, you are a brave gal.  It's been three years and 8 months on the 17th, I'm hanging in there as well, and trying to have a good Christmas.  But, I also have added sadness/grief - I lost my dear Mom end of April this year, so been traveling from AZ to MN cking on my Dad, so forth.  I was very fortunate to be able to spent three long summers with her, but also bitter sweet because that only came amount because my husband passed, etc.  I so feel her presence, there truly is something to be said about our different forms of grief.  I don't feel the same grief at all for Mom that I still have for my husband Gary.  But, will miss them all the days of my life I know.  I'll be sending good thoughts (prayers) for your Mom and you.  Thx for the post.

Comment by Patience on December 19, 2016 at 4:05am
Thank you Diane! I remember meeting you in 2013 and am grateful we met!
Comment by Diane on December 18, 2016 at 4:29am

Hi Diane.....I am sorry that your mom broke her hip, that's a tough thing for an 85 year old to recover from.  I think when we experience the death of someone as close to us as our spouse, we are reminded of how easily death can slip in and take a life away for the rest of our lives when someone we love gets hurt or is sick.  And I think to have this happen at the holidays,, when we are already missing our beloved partners and the old family traditions that never go on in the same way when such a huge person in our lives is gone, makes the possibility of losing her too real.  All I can say is try to focus on helping your mom get through this and the good things in your life that you are grateful for.  I understand not liking to decorate....that was Don's job in our house!  When I moved I got rid of at least half of the old Christmas things.  Like you this is my fifth Christmas without him and I put a tree up for the first time last year.  I just did it again a couple days ago and I actually enjoyed it.  I say to each his own.  If I've learned anything on this journey its to be who I am and let others do the same.  

Take care, I am thinking of you, my friend,  


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