A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
My first post...ever
This is my first post...ever. I am not a facebook or chatroom user. But I've read many posted in this group and I feel comfortable enough to write now. It has been 2 years and 2 weeks since I lost the love of my live, Carolyn, to Colon Cancer. I never imagined it possible that I could feel so lonely and hurt so much! Here is my story:
I have experienced the two worst nightmares one can live through, the loss of a child and the loss of a spouse. Not one day goes by that I don’t look at Daniel’s 8 ½ year old sister Madison and wonder what life would have been like if he had not been born so sick, survived the most torturous 8 months and 1 day, and died on February 24, 2004. I remember the first therapist Carolyn & I went to told us, “give it a year, it gets easier, give it time.” What a moron! How could she have said that to us? How does she know the exact timetable of grief? Let me clue you in. There is no timetable you just hurt!
Then, 5 ½ years later, like she had not suffered enough, my one true love, my sole mate, my best friend, the beautiful girl I met at the Williamsburg Y in June of 1977, was told she had stage 4 colon cancer. The cancer had metastasized to both lobes of the liver and her battle would be a difficult one. Almost like a terrifying déjà vu, I watched Carolyn suffer unspeakable pain, live through the nightmare of having to say goodbye to her children (Sammy was 14 and Madison was 6) and then finally, mercifully pass away on February 27, 2010. Almost 6 years (to the day!) after I had to bury my baby Daniel, I had to put the love of my life in the ground next to him.
I’m still amazed how I get up in the morning after never getting a restful night’s sleep. How I don’t slap people in the face every time they complain about some trivial inconvenience in their lives (work, traffic, cold coffee). How I can still function when I wake up crying in the middle of the night and turn over to find untouched pillows next to me in the bed.
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Comment by Jackie (lvgma) on March 13, 2012 at 3:09pm -
So sorry howcarsam, I can indenify with the loss of a child and then bury my husband. My son was murdered right after his 34th birthday- 2005- I don't care what therapist says what, you have to walk in a mother or fathers shoes to know the pain that comes with the loss. I didn't celebrate holidays for 5 years, then in oct of 2010 I told my husband I am ready to have Christmas again. We were going to get all of that down and ready to go right after we returned from vacation. But another loss, while on vacation my husband died..oct 2010- no Christmas that year. My daughters helped me this last Chritmas to decorate, so for the first time Christmas was back in this house ( didn't say home). I knw Danny would have wanted that. For me its been 17 mths and all i can say is that i put one foot in front of the other, and try to move forward. WE all know about the empty bed at night..for me the worst part of the day is going to bed at night and waking up in the morning. Together somehow we can all help each other though this..glad you found this site and are posting.
how
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Comment by Ace on March 13, 2012 at 11:00am -
Hi Howcarsam,
My posting of welcome to you got rather long this morning and then somehow I deleted it...ugh..It was a long posting.. identified with your feelings and experiences. Very Sorry for your loss of Carolyn and Daniel. How I miss people saying my loved one's name.
In a nutshell what got deleted.
Glad you posted for the first time. Sorry we are all here. Therapists can be real off- only know what they read in school. I was lucky to have found someone that unfortunate for her- she had experienced spouse's loss so I was spared further pain of having stupid stuff said. I am still angry over that first year lie from others.
Hope you join other groups that fit your needs and interest here at WV. Very much would love your opinions on the group for us that have kids. In my opinion can use some more father's - dad's points of view and experiences to be shared with issues with our children. Difficult to tell if normal kids/teen stuff or loss of parent issues. Again- Welcome - but truly sorry for the reasons we are all here. ((hugs of support and understanding)) Ace.
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Comment by hendrixx2 on March 13, 2012 at 10:58am -
Hi hocarsam, so sorry for your loss, but glad you found this site. My wife too died of colon ca. which had spread to her liver. This was on Nov 8, 2011, after 4 years of treatment and pain. I can only imagine the pain you had having to bury your child and wife. We come to find that a timetable has no place here, and the moronic conversations from others appears to be common. Perhaps being here we will find a way to understand just what it is we're suppose to do now after those restless nights of sleep. I agree totally with you, it never occurred to me that I could be so sad and lonely. Wishing Peace and Healing for you...
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Comment by Krista Westervelt (whoknows) on March 13, 2012 at 9:14am -
Welcome. So deeply sorry. I believe you will find much comfort, support and understanding here.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on March 13, 2012 at 5:46am -
I am so so sorry for your losses. I am glad you were able to share here. This place has been a life saver for me. It helps knowing there is a hand out there ready to hold mine when I need it. I agree that it is just so hard to function sometimes with the petty complaints of others. I don't participate in the girl chatter at work, I can't stand it. I hope you are able to keep sharing with us. Hugs to you.
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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on March 12, 2012 at 11:37pm
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and Wife. I can't imagine the amount of strength you have to keep going. With the loss of my husband I wonder everyday why I get up. I'm very glad you feel safe and comfortable here to write out your feelings, I don't know what I would do without WV. I will say I agree with you 100% about the self control it takes to ignore the worlds petty complains. They don't mean much when you've lost almost your whole reason for living. We are here any time you need an ear to listen, or just someone to vent to. ((((Hugs)))) My thoughts are with you for continued strength for the days ahead.
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Comment by bad ass widow on March 12, 2012 at 11:09pm -
I am so sorry for your losses. It is all so tragic. This is a safe place, and feel free to join in chat. It gets a little crazy in there, but it will stop the minute someone needs help. (((hugs)))
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Comment by Joyce on March 12, 2012 at 11:08pm -
Welcome, I'm so sorry for both of your losses, but glad you feel safe enough to join us. I hope you find comfort here, I know I have.
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Comment by Blue Snow on March 12, 2012 at 10:58pm -
Welcome to the world of blogging. I wish you didn't have two very good reasons to be here to share your pain, but this is a safe place....which you know already. {{{{hugs}}}}
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