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Today my heart just hurts.  Over the weekend I went to visit our godchildren for the first time along since his passing.  I went to the aquarium for our godson's 3rd birthday and my other godson's baseball game.  I kept thinking how much Ray would have loved those moments, especially the baseball game.  He loved those kids so much; he would have been such a wonderful father.  An now my heart hurts because I had to experience the weekend alone.  It also hurts because those boys will never really get to know how special their godfather was and how much he loved them. 

I find that I just miss him more and more each day.  I thought this was supposed to get easier; that as time went on I would hurt less.  Most days I can't cry because it doesn't make me feel better but rather worse.  Instead I just live with this.  I didn't know that your heart could hurt so much yet feel so hollow at the same time. 

I just miss him so much.  I have no desire to do anything but curl up in a ball and cuddle my dogs because I just hurt so much.  I feel like I have to go on and pretend that everything is getting better, but all I want is for one kiss, one hug, one smile more. God, why does it have to hurt so much.

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