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My husband ...he died...and I want him back

If you knew MD, you knew a life lived wide open. He loved deeply and passionately with all of his heart and soul. He held onto the memories of his life and relived them with others vicariously.

I miss my husband deeply, in a place deep down inside that grew out of our great love. He balanced me and showed me a love and family that I only dreamed of. I always thought we would grow old together…we had a million tomorrows…we had plans!

As more time has passed since M's death, the emptiness inside me grows.  Irrespective of my kids  and friends and other family, all of whom I love dearly, I feel completely alone.  Life goes on, as it should.  Yes, I know I'm loved by so many and I am so blessed with that, but those relationships don't replace being someone's someone, do they? 

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Comment by [email protected] on January 17, 2016 at 6:53am

I woke up feeling so sad and alone today. It is 5 months since Michael died and I am realizing that grief is not linear. It is definitely an erratic, more circular path which ebbs and flows with each breath.

What I see is the collateral loss of Michael's death. When my husband died, I lost a spouse but also a friend, a confidant, a wage earner, a supporter. My children lost a father, a friend, the balancing power of  having two parents to interact with and face the world with. He will not be there for weddings, graduations, grandchildren and retirement. 

Michael was a brother,Uncle, son, nephew,Project Manager, friend,colleague, lover, spouse, husband,and best friend. When it sinks in, it is not Michael who is lost, it is Michael is fine in God's presence. We are struggling to re-balance, re-purpose and re-orient ourselves. Our world is turned upside down and our sense of self is skewed.

Suddenly, I am a single parent, a widow, bereaved and alone. I am the sole source of income and the solitary voice of"parent" in our family. My children are now from a single parent home.  I, we,have lost part of ourselves. Part of me died when Michael died and I am not only grieving his death but the death of a future with him, the death of myself as I thought it would be. 

Do not mistake these thoughts as depressing and assume this shall pass. It is a new, ever changing reality that I must come to terms with and determine how I will continue in life. Ultimately what is missing can not be measured or explained. It will not go away and will never be the same. It is up to me to allow God to work within my heart and I am trying to remember to do that with  each breath.

Comment by [email protected] on December 15, 2015 at 4:47pm


Thank you for responding. I know I will find peace and joy again, but I wonder if I will ever be able to fill the hole in my heart? I love my kids and my family, but the love I had with my husband is so different. He really "got me"and we were in such a great place in life. I feel hollow and empty more often than any other emotion. I have leaned heavily on my faith...can't have occasional faith in God, so faith through the pain is where I choose to put my energy. God Bless all who are struggling with this loss. 

Comment by Hope on December 13, 2015 at 4:09am

widowed at 46. I read your post and what you wrote says so much of what I feel but can't express.Ken and I were together 30 wonderful years and you are right...even with loving family and friends it doesn't fill the hole in your heart.. I keep hope in my heart that someday I will find peace in this new life but I feel shattered and trying to put the pieces together. Thank you for your blog

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