So, here I am, back single again. My husband passed away on August 24th. This is my new normal: Living my life without the love of my life. Truthfully, I've done fairly well. I haven't totally lost it and curled up in a ball and not left my bed for days, though I would like to. Some part of me will not allow it. I don't know if I'm headed in that direction or what. When I think about it, I wonder to myself why I don't just let go. Why am I not wallowing in self pity, laying in my bed, crying and screaming at the world and God for letting him leave me? I really do not know and it is all so very confusing.
I'm constantly reading widow websites and blogs looking for some sort of direction. I've read many stories and it appears that I am not alone in my questions. Others are looking for the same path. Which way do we go? What do we do? How do we feel happy again? Did this really happen to me?
I found this quote on a blog that fits my thoughts and feelings perfectly:
I remember sitting there in a pile of mush, my heart torn to pieces, and my emotions running the gamut of extreme sadness, terrible anger, and complete dismay. Nothing in this world will ever be as painful for me as that moment. Nothing for me to fix, nothing for me to do, nothing but reality, and a new lifetime of questions and pain.
Surviving that First Year
I know in my mind I will not feel this way forever, but my heart is a different story. I'm not a very patient person and I keep wanting to move on now. I want to feel better now. I want my heart not to hurt so much. I want to be happy right now. I want to feel like I'm moving forward, not lost and trying to figure out where I go from here. I've cried, I've prayed and I have researched the Internet for the answers. Oh yes, I have a goal -- to move from where I live within the next two years -- but will I be doing this alone? How can I accomplish this goal? Where would I even move? Maybe the goal is too futuristic? Maybe I should make smaller goals that can be completed in a day, week or month? I don't know. That's the problem. I have always had a goal, always a path or a direction to take. Now, I feel like I'm starting over. I feel like the teenager who just graduated from high school who doesn't know where they are going in life, but without the excitement of what lays ahead; what is to come. How do you get that feeling of anticipation back?
So, again, I start over. I found the above blog very helpful; at least it is helping me today. It is my hope and prayer that it is true.
I’m here to tell those who are suffering through that first year that you are not alone. You are living with horrific circumstances and it’s not fair and it’s not right. You may feel like you are letting everyone else down, but in reality you are surviving the best way you know how. Forgive yourself for the moments of impatience. Forgive yourself if you don’t have a deep capacity for love. Forgive yourself if all you can do is make sure your home is safe and reasonably healthy. Your new normal will set in, you will figure this out, and you will survive. The love will return, the desire to thrive will return, and while your life will never be the same, ... you ... will laugh again.
Apparently, it is a process that has to be lived through. No skipping to the end. No short cut. No easy fix. I am in the learning phase and I won't graduate until that phase is over and I've learned what I need to. I can do this.