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Comment by Abby on January 27, 2012 at 10:14am

Stacy: My hope for you is that you will be at a better place than I am when you hit your one year anniversary. I know how bizarre it must sound becuz when I was only a few months out I could not even imagine that there were people who were 2 and 3 years out. I often wondered how they did it and how they make it through all of the pain.  Trust me, the pain never stops. What does help is that there are good days, not so bad days and then the horrendous days. I cling to the days that do not make me breakdown and sob for hours. There are still plenty of those days sadly, but you will make it through this like I have, one day at a time and by honouring your husband by showing your strength to the outside world. I too still would just like to call it quits and try to find my husband and be with him on any level but I know that that would not be the right way to go. Until that day comes, I will try my very best to hold my head up high and hold my husband's heart close to my mine. He will forever be inside of me whatever or wherever my life takes me. That is and will never be negotiable. I want my husband to experience life through me and I will take him everywhere with me.

Good luck and thank you for your kind post.


Comment by Abby on January 27, 2012 at 10:05am

Thanks Robin....I love you too. It was especially important for me that YOU saw and had a chance to see my honey. I am still so much in love with him and the pain is palpable. I will take your hug and wrap it around me in the hopes that it will bring me some comfort.  I am glad that I could bring a smile to your face. Our wedding pics are all so happy and filled with our dreams for the future. Sadly these will never be realized.




Comment by Soaring Spirits on January 27, 2012 at 8:00am

Abby, I love you. Your words made me cry... the picture makes me smile so big. Please take the biggest hug I have today.



Comment by Joyce on January 27, 2012 at 7:10am

Abby:  That is a great picture, Abby.  I'm at 3 1/2 months and the "gut wrenching" pain is such an perfect description.  Thanks for sharing about your love.  Hopefully, we will all pick up the pieces together even if we don't know how to do that yet.  (((Hugs))) Abby.

Comment by smit09 on January 27, 2012 at 6:52am


firstly, what a beautiful picture. The two of you look like a perfect match. I am so sorry for your loss. When I read your post, tears flooded my eyes.  I am at month 4, and when you said 'gut wrenching' I felt the deep dark whole in my heart fall deeper.  The most painful thing... and you've conquered a year now. wow. I admire your strength to keep pushing forward even when/if you feel at a stand still, or even worse going backward.  Everyday I wake up just wanting to go back to sleep... just want to sleep my life away until I reach the next life, where I may meet up again with my soul mate.  I know you understand.  I cannot imagine a year... reading this, you gave me hope, even though you feel you've posted a negative/sad post... it has really inspired me. we are all...."on our way".

thank you so much for sharing your love.


Comment by Abby on January 27, 2012 at 6:32am

January 20th was the 1 year anniversary of death of my husband. His name was Aivars (pronounced I VARS). His background was Latvian but he was born in Canada.  This was one of our many wonderful wedding pictures that I went through for the first time on the 20th of January.  I was so tormented that day that I thought how much worse could it get? Well, it got pretty sad andn at times scarey seeing how happy we were and how much my husband had to live for.  We were soul mates and he would constantly tell me "how lucky we were to have such a special bond." He was right and I take great comfort in knowing that the 10 short years we spent together were nothing short of amazing.

So here I sit one year out, expecting to be "on my way". Sadly, there is no magic date or time that says the grief is over, now it is time to start your life.  I don't want to start my life again if it is not with my husband.  I don't want to turn this post into a negative post on how awful and sad and lonely I am. Rather I intended it to show all of you who have provided me with such great strength and support over the year, what my husband looked like and moreover the qualities he possessed that made him the man he was.

He was kind, generous, loving, his word was his bond, he loved every part of me, he helped me calm down over things that were not worth worrying about, he protected me, he nurtured me and was always there for me.  His list of attributes is endless.  So, how do I pick up the pieces of this wonderful life is anyone's guess? They say it gets easier over time, but honestly, other than the first 4 months of gut wrenching pain, there has been little improvement. I so hope to one day be able to post a blog titled I AM HAPPY! That day seems so elusive to me but I have to hang onto the hope that that day will come!

Whether our loss is 2 months or 2 years, we are all in the same boat....we have lost the most important person in our life. The person we had long term goals and plans with. Thank you again to everyone who has helped and supported me through the worst year of my life. I am looking forward to the day that I am able to give back to you as so many here have to me. And so, it is on to year 2 (which seems like year 5) with hopefully a new outlook that my life will get better if I start to let people in.....a very hard thing for me to do.

Thank you for allowing me to share my love with all of you. He was intensely private and I wanted to respect that part of him. I know he would want to thank all of you for your amazing support in helping me cope with life without him.


Comment by Jouk on January 26, 2012 at 8:02am

What a lovely picturer, thank you for sharing it with us, I will be waiting for your next post. hugs to you today Jo

Comment by Abby on January 26, 2012 at 7:47am

I never had time to send my post and did not realize that this picture had been sent. I thought I had saved it in draft. I will be sending the accompanying blog to this pic this week. Thank you so much to those of you who commented on this pic.  First time I have ever put a pic of my husband and I on line but in memory of the anniverary of his death and all of my sad blogs, I had wanted to share him with you. He was an amazing man and I miss him so much that it hurts like crazy.

Please stay tuned for my actual written blog.


Comment by CrazyWidow on January 26, 2012 at 6:15am

What a lovely couple.  Love and hugs to you today.

Comment by Lisa ( Marielee) on January 25, 2012 at 7:57pm

Abby, A beautiful picture of you and your love.  Blessings today as you continue this difficult journey. May your memories and love comfort you today and all the days to come.  Lisa

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