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My husband of 22 years was killed 1 month ago 9-13-13 when an impatient truck driver peeled out of a driveway to cross 3 lanes of traffic. My husband was killed instantly.  He had just that morning donated blood for my total hip replacement 10-1. We met when I was 17. We married on our one year anniversary of our first  date. We have a 13 and 17 year old daughters. I'm handicap so I just work perdiem and my occupation is only one to suppliment an income not support a family. Since my husband worked so hard and had great benefits I never worried. Now I'm having back surgery 2/3 of the way into my THR recovery so its done before we lose his insurance. So I'm trying to cope with 2 teens in high school who lost their awesome totally involved Daddy while recovering from major surgeries without my best friend, adoring husband and love of my life. We only had 4 more years until the youngest is off to college and we could spend more time alone together. More than half of my life we have been together.  I really thought we would have a 75th anniversary since that would only make him 95 and nowadays thats reasonable. Now this 2nd half or more of my life is shattered. Our dreams of living in our trailer camping and being camp hosts is over. Today has been so hard I can't stop sobbing.   Even with all my medical issues I'm a positive person and now I feel such deep angst like I'm broken and empty and I'm only 41. My dreams are over and to make matters financially worse the driver who killed my husband is here illegally and has NO insurance. I'm terrified of our future and emotionally empty.  I feel like I would just wither away if I didn't have 2 daughters that need me. I love him so much life without him seems unbearable. I have been reading posts from other widows and they seem so very sad 2 years later. I can't imagine being happy again but I don't want my girls to think their happiness died too. I really wish I could stop crying. Jacque Hansen

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Comment by RiseAgain on April 23, 2014 at 11:58pm

I too wish I had the words to help. but I am glad you found this site.. Back in January and February, I was truly on the ropes. My 21st wedding anniversary was feb 1st. about 7 weeks after Sandi suddenly passed before Christmas. This site and the people here were the main source of getting through. Its good you are reaching out. Stay close... I remember one week, i was on the verge of despair. I was going through the house, financially overwhelmed & relational dificulties with teen daughters, and yellling.."I cant do this anymore!!" I cant handle it!!"...Im not gonna make it!" All of a sudden I was stopped in my tracks. and I believe it was like divine intervention. But like a voice came over me and said... "Thats true you cant do this, but you dont have to do this alone!" I began to see I was taking the weight of this one myself, and was ble to start letting people here know how i was feeling, and I began praying. It still hasnt been easy, but I came up from the point of despair to some hope. Hope that I didnt have to have all the answers in a day.. and Hope that I could take one day at a time with help and do one or two things a day.. some days I did nothing at all! But I used people here.  I was so angry at times. I would think.. "Where are all the people that said... "If you need anything... Let me know!"  I thought...."Im dying here, and Im fallling apart! if I need anything???" I freakin need everything!!!   But then I seen I was taking more on than what I could handle in One day!   So... again. I am so glad you are reaching out.  and yes, I too have some particular resentments what seems injustice by those who claim Justice for all!   Well, I really didnt plan to get into all this. But I just want you to know that you can overcome. and you can get through this, and you dont have to do this alone!! I pray Gods protection and strength for you, Your children, my children too. For this night and the days ahead,, take care... Rise

Comment by barbee on October 25, 2013 at 8:03pm

Sometimes words are not enough. Wish I could give you a hug in person. Your plate isn't just full -- it seems like you are trying to eat a whole Thanksgiving dinner within a few minutes. Give yourself more time to just BE. Crying is healthy and will help you heal faster. Remember, you are stronger than you seem and braver than you believe. Your daughters need you and will be of great comfort to you. Maybe not today, but they will. Hang in there.

Comment by JHclecce on October 18, 2013 at 9:55pm

Thank you Ali I feel like I'm going to be this weeping old lady forever. 

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on October 18, 2013 at 7:38pm

Jacque, I am so sorry for the loss of your love, and for the medical issues that must seem overwhelming right now. I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain, but hopefully knowing that the people here understand that broken and empty feeling you are talking about will help in some way. It has been eighteen months for me, with many emotions and many changes. The support I have gotten here cannot be measured. I hope you will keep coming back and keep writing about your feelings. It truly helped me. I still cry some days, but know I also laugh, and am starting to make some plans for my future. It seems impossible at first. Just get thru each moment and each day as best you can.  ((hugs))

Comment by JHclecce on October 18, 2013 at 6:10am
Thank you for sharing Denise.
Comment by JHclecce on October 16, 2013 at 8:48pm
Thank you Tammy! I needed to hear that!
Comment by TammyRI on October 16, 2013 at 5:51pm

Jacque Im so so sorry for your loss and I understand your pain.  We all do.  My husband was killed in a car accident about 1.5yr ago.  And when it happened to me I thought the same thing.  I don't want to feel like this 2 years later.  But there is no escaping the pain.  Somedays are worse than others.  Like you I was with my husband at a young age.  It is so unbearable at times to be without him.  Some days - when im busy- its almost a blessing not to think of him.  They say it gets better with time and I am not sure if that to be true totally.  It gets easier - different - but I wouldn't yet be able to say better.  I wish I had better things to say, but its reality.  The crying will stop eventually my friend.  Hugs to you.

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