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Never before felt so miserable in life...

There´s been a while I don´t post here. depression came back in a ridiculous level...I´m not being able to function anymore. I´ve been watched by 2 therapists and a doctor, but nothing really seems to help. Today, after 4 months without him, I thought I´d get better...but I´m just getting worse. Acceptance and conformism have been extremely difficult issues to deal with. For those who know a little about my history, my husband died out of US in my country, after 12 days of marriage. I delt with a lot of red tape and uncontable requirements to cremate his body as a widow, and all the process finished only 15 days ago, I wasnt able to get his ashes yet. Even though I´m his widow. 

My family doesnt seem to understand my condition at all. They say 4 months is enough of grieving and this is taking too long. I turn the tv louder to be able to cty at home so nobody bugs me. I don´t know how can 4 months be enough.., when you love someone...the last thing you wanna do is getting out, putting your face inthe sun and being happy after a loss. My mother is also a widow, she´s lost my father to cancer when I was 14. she is full of herself for having faced the grief quickly "enough" cause she had 2 daughters to raise. Now, back to my mother´s  house, our relationship has become umbearable, with the grief of my husband, my depression and borderline disorder. Sometimes I cry to be taken out from here, sometimes I wanna go with him, and most part of the times I get angry with him, cause his death was caused by a very preventable and ridiculous reason that I can´t forgive.

My family is becoming a big stranger, I have no friends anymore and I´ve been isolating and self harming severely. Sometimes I just wished I had someone who cares. or understands. I really have no idea if someday I´ll accept what happened, probably not. Christmas is coming, our first and last Christmas together, last year, full of memories, and now...It´s like I´m half awake in the worst nightmare of my life. I have nobody to call to when I feel like doing something bad and i feel the Internet has turned into my biggest friend, full of strangers reading my posts, that sometimes are more understanding than my own family. 

I feel so much pain that it seems like it´s never gonna heal. for those, on this grey journey for a longer time, is this the end of my life? how can I go back to my life? how can I know who I am if I lost the biggest jewel I´ve ever had?

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Comment by loveboo on December 30, 2018 at 3:00pm

I am learning how to use this community and posted my first blog post then found yours.

The pain and experience you described in your post came through to me. I read it with my eyes but felt your pain in my heart and I can't be sorry enough for all of our pain.

It is tremendously hard to grieve if you are living with people who do not understand what grieving means.  Finding some alone time, grieving and crying alone is what I do.  4 months is not long enough and there's no time limit to grieving.  People will tell you how to grieve but don't bother listening to them.

There is no wrong way to grieve. I too have found some solace in grieving with others online.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on December 20, 2018 at 6:31am

Bruna, everyone handles grief differently, it's so unfair to compare your grief to anyone else's.  4 months isn't long at all.  It's surely not enough time to reimagine your new normal and a different future.  Time does seem to make it easier, however, you'll always love your husband.  Please do not harm yourself.  It will only draw you deeper into depression.  Start a gratitude journal and write at least one thing every day to be thankful for.  It helped me in those early days.  I truly wanted to die in the beginning.   Keep reading here and posting.  We all understand.  (((HUGS)))

Comment by Callie2 on December 17, 2018 at 4:31pm

So sorry for your loss and all that you’re going through. Your loss is so recent, your grief journey has just begun. Please understand that grief does not have a time limit and it’s length can be different in all of us. It takes as long as it does so you need to be patient with yourself. Of course you are in pain and extremely sad right now, that’s what grief is.  We need to feel so we can heal!

I hope you seek some support outside the family. Group support may be a good avenue for you. I don’t know if the government offers any programs but you could start asking around at local churches and hospitals, they may have one. In groups, you can share experiences if you chose or just listen. It helps to feel not so alone and that what you are feeling is quite normal. Learning about grief and loss and what to expect along the way may help to ground you and reduce some of the anxiety.

It’s probably hard for you to imagine a time when you will smile again but believe that time will come. You’re going to get there. Again, you need to be patient with yourself. Cry when you must, let it out! Please, do not harm yourself, that’s not a solution to dealing with grief.  Find yourself a good grief support group. Some of them are suited for different age groups, do some asking around!  I hope you continue to post here, you know it is a soft place where we all understand.

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