There´s been a while I don´t post here. depression came back in a ridiculous level...I´m not being able to function anymore. I´ve been watched by 2 therapists and a doctor, but nothing really seems to help. Today, after 4 months without him, I thought I´d get better...but I´m just getting worse. Acceptance and conformism have been extremely difficult issues to deal with. For those who know a little about my history, my husband died out of US in my country, after 12 days of marriage. I delt with a lot of red tape and uncontable requirements to cremate his body as a widow, and all the process finished only 15 days ago, I wasnt able to get his ashes yet. Even though I´m his widow.
My family doesnt seem to understand my condition at all. They say 4 months is enough of grieving and this is taking too long. I turn the tv louder to be able to cty at home so nobody bugs me. I don´t know how can 4 months be enough.., when you love someone...the last thing you wanna do is getting out, putting your face inthe sun and being happy after a loss. My mother is also a widow, she´s lost my father to cancer when I was 14. she is full of herself for having faced the grief quickly "enough" cause she had 2 daughters to raise. Now, back to my mother´s house, our relationship has become umbearable, with the grief of my husband, my depression and borderline disorder. Sometimes I cry to be taken out from here, sometimes I wanna go with him, and most part of the times I get angry with him, cause his death was caused by a very preventable and ridiculous reason that I can´t forgive.
My family is becoming a big stranger, I have no friends anymore and I´ve been isolating and self harming severely. Sometimes I just wished I had someone who cares. or understands. I really have no idea if someday I´ll accept what happened, probably not. Christmas is coming, our first and last Christmas together, last year, full of memories, and now...It´s like I´m half awake in the worst nightmare of my life. I have nobody to call to when I feel like doing something bad and i feel the Internet has turned into my biggest friend, full of strangers reading my posts, that sometimes are more understanding than my own family.
I feel so much pain that it seems like it´s never gonna heal. for those, on this grey journey for a longer time, is this the end of my life? how can I go back to my life? how can I know who I am if I lost the biggest jewel I´ve ever had?