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new arrival...wish I didnt have to but glad i found this

hello to you all i am glad i found you. I never thought I'd be a widow til i was much older. but here it is, age 58. I think I am doing ok on the outside. (insides another matter).  I have to say I felt like writing yesterday - when my sister said she was seeking counselling because SHE's lost 3 close family members (our mother, our brother and her brother in law, ie my Husband).. I felt like, thats wrong, to tell me about your pain I am so not ready to be empathetic. if its a contest, I "win"....after all he was MY husband....            But I waited, and today my neighbor ..well intentioned but deep emotional needs ...well, she's complaining to me, about Me. Well I have sympathy for her - i am a wreck and no fun to be around.  She wont go online anymore. But also her phone machine is broken. I would love to lean on her - she is right down the hall - but it always turns out badly, she needs my help and you know, i just dont have any to give at the present time (sorry!) ...So its better if i keep my distance. She's upset - quote ' i give up" - to which I reply quietly  "thank god". leave me alone!

I am seeing more and more that ours is a very unique situation - one loses a parent - thats the natural order. A sibling - awful, yes in every way. But a spouse - he is my better half..literally ...I hope to work u p the nerve to attend a camp widow gathering, but now that I found this blog I will be reading and devouring everyone's insights...its no exagerration to say ours is an intense deep loss ..part of you..I never imagined the depth of this. thanks for letting me blab on.

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Comment by Nancyfc on April 4, 2016 at 9:41pm

Dear Grenville25- 

I thought I would be older too - I was 59 when my husband passed.  Thank God Ken's Mom had  passed two years earlier, but by then he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had already had the whipple and was on chemo.

The best or actually the "worst" was Ken's ex-wife complaining to me about how horrible it was he died so young (64), blah, blah blah. I really couldn't believe what I was hearing. And she was so upset that she needed "supportive friends" to go with herself and her husband to the funeral. She wasn't there to support their son (age 33).

I've always kept my mouth closed when I have had to interact with her the past five years, but sometimes I wonder just how someone could be so self-absorbed to not think her talking about Ken to me, HIS widow, is a little strange.

PS - my father's first name was Grenville - is that your last? Just curious.

Sending blessings to you - 

Comment by bis4betsy on July 8, 2015 at 6:07pm

I'm right with you Grenville25, I was widowed a month after I turned 50.  Yippie.  I always thought I'd be older too.  My mother-in-law was the hardest one for me to deal with when he was sick.  She complained to me "why is this happening to me?" and I was good, bit my tongue, but was thinking in my head how is this really going to affect your day to day life? I would have thought since she was also a young widow she would have been more sympathetic, but since I don't know what it's like to outlive your child I am trying to give her grace.  

hugs and love to you!  I'm glad you found a safe home here too!  

Comment by lonelyinaz on July 7, 2015 at 9:21pm
Who I forgot. I was widowed at 56. Still bitching that wait until I'm 60 for his soc security. So fortunate, not needed; but taking it when I am entited. Yes, he paid into it its mine as his widow. No, I'm not trying to start anything political.
Comment by lonelyinaz on July 7, 2015 at 9:08pm
Grt post. We have your back. We get it new friend. I am at 2 yrs and 2 months and still getting neighbors who are clue less. Even long time good friends wonder "Gee, when will she be back to the gal we have known for yrs." Yep, that life is over! Me to heading to San diago next summer with gals and guys from my widows/widowers group in az. So big welcome. Post often, we all reading.
Comment by k2k9 on July 7, 2015 at 7:04am

Hello Grenville25!  I could not agree more.  For heaven's sake, leave me alone LOL!  But seriously, I, too am widowed at age 55.  I sort of always knew I would be widowed, since my guy was 20 years older than me, but it was still too soon.  I've lost my parents, close friends, and a sibling.  I can tell you there is NOTHING worse than losing your spouse.  One person in every couple will experience this.  And yet, it is a secret that no one knows about until it actually happens to you.  The intensity and the depth of the loss, as you said.  It is like none other.  Until one has had this happen to them, they have NO IDEA of the intensity of this experience.  I hope to go to a Camp Widow event one of these days, as well.  Thank you for being here and sharing your feelings.  xoxo

Comment by Choosing life on July 6, 2015 at 5:25am
(((Grenville25))) you are in the right place here. Lots of support from people in all stages of "the journey". You will see your innermost thoughts and fears posted by a complete stranger. We are all different but so very much alike. In the early days I was bombarded ( assaulted really) with family trying to help. I had to distance myself from all but the ones I trusted, the ones who really got it. My trusted ones are the ones I am closest to today --- over two years later. The people in your life who can't cope, don't understand, or try to push you the wrong way can't help it. They just don't know. And later down the road you will pray they never know. Protect yourself as best you can now. It is not wrong to make your welfare first priority. It will help you grow stronger. Hang on, fellow traveler, better days will come.
Comment by Callie2 on July 4, 2015 at 2:29pm
Yes, I have a sister too. Even with my brothers, we get along but I think there is a different honesty with family. I am not saying not to use tact, what I mean is we can be more "up front" with our feelings than with others, maybe because we know each other better and expressing ourselves is not as difficult. It is important to communicate, especially when we are unhappy about something that is said. It is easy to say things without thinking sometime or to say something that is misunderstood. I am pretty good at that myself sometimes. We always forgive, because we are family. We are also only human!
Comment by Grenville25 on July 4, 2015 at 4:56am
Vintage that is perfect. Thanks for the image. I am telling myself forgive her, wish her well, but stay away!
Comment by vintage56(barb) on July 4, 2015 at 4:39am

I found a quote and graphic on a website for cancer patients that I think applies here as well. It showed the cancer patient at the middle of a circle(the one who is most affected) - next circle out was the family, then friends, etc. The gist was, comfort IN, complaints OUT. In other words, don't complain how hard this is on you if the person you are complaining to has it harder or as hard as you. Find someone less affected to complain to.

(((hugs))) to you Grenville.

Comment by Grenville25 on July 4, 2015 at 4:26am

Calle2 thanks. Your neighbour sounds like my neighbour.  This one friend, unfortunately, lives right down the hall. how dense is she? last year she brought a watch from a cruise she took; thing is I wear a watch that came from my husband's mother. I've told her now twice and I am still not sure she gets it! Emotional person who turns everything around; i invite over for a drink, she cancels and now says I am brushing her off. Oy. As for sister, I can forgive her anything; she's the only blood relative left. (except for distant cousins) and to be fair she adored my husband too. we'll all 3 have a cottage week at which we'll burn candles and tell stores about my husband.

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