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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

When Debbie died, I had to of coarse take care of all the business that needed to be taken care of. It was really hard to do, all I wanted to do was hide under the blanket. In a way, maybe it helped staying busy, takung care of everything. Part of that was, checking her emails, and letting people know that she was no longer here. Unsubscribing to miscellaneous. Email services and programs. Cleaning out the inboxes and saved emails. It took quite a while to do. At first, I would check it every day or two. Then, every couple of weeks or so. Then monthly. Now about a year and a half later, I realized the other day that I haven't checked it in a long while. So, I logged in. There were only 2 new emails from somewhere that I couldn't figure out how to unsubscribe. No email!!! It hit me hard. I know it makes no sense feeling like this, thats what I was trying to do. It just hit me, one more thing telling me she is really no longer here, and shes not coming back! I feel like I'm beginning to come out of my denial, and I don't like it. Can't I just live the rest of my life in denial? With some hope that everything will be alright someday. I suppose the answer is no. So now when I long on, all I see is all the Emails that I've sent her since she died. At least I quit sending her emails mostly, since she's not responding. Now just one on special occasions, that's not nutty right? I dont text her anymore either. Thats really good because I shut her phone off. So, whoever has her number, would probably be a little weirded out, lol. I wonder if I will ever delete her email account? Probably not. It feels like one more way I can always communicate with her, even if she doesn't reply. This being widowed makes you crazy I think!

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Comment by rodsgurl09 on June 3, 2014 at 10:47am

I had to shut off Rod's phone a few months after we lost him, but his number is still in my phone under "Luv" with his pic and ringtone. Even after changing phones myself 3 times. I can't delete it. I have kept his Facebook open, even though I'm the only one who ever posts to it makes me sad. But still I can't let it go. His email is still open, too. I reckon someday I should do all of the unsubscribing, etc too's just easier for me to avoid it, I guess. Anyway, no you're not crazy....or at any rate, I am too, so at least you're not alone in it. (((hugs)))

Comment by JK (OK) on May 28, 2014 at 7:16pm
IndiaKai ~ I have held back from calling her number. Like you, she is still in my phone. So sorry, I bet that was so hard when he called you back and his name and picture came up. I hear the same ringtone every now and then, and that is really hard.
Comment by BESTBUDS1 [Norman} on May 28, 2014 at 11:36am

I agree jk in so many ways and only 5 months for me...But CRAZY , yes that we are , but in all of our defenses, we were Crazy, Madly,Intimately, Satisfyingly,Unconditionally , in LOVE.. so actually we were already crazy but now just a lil crazier but hopefully once the grief calms down some, that old crazy will return and the new crazy will somewhat disappear.. I wish you Peace in your Journey

Comment by IndiaKai on May 28, 2014 at 6:59am

I can relate to the texting, phone calls, and emails too.  I had to turn off my husbnads cell phone about a month after he passed away, but I sent texts to it before then.  One night after I turned off the phone I had this urge to dial his number.... so I did.  Someone else had his # and their voice mail picked up. I think I dialed that # 10 times because my brain could not register that someone else had the number.  About an hour later his old number dialed me back but it came up with my husbands picture & particular ring. It made me hitch my breath and a knot in my stomach grew. I didn't think about the # calling me back!  I was so embarrassed, but I answered and a man was on the other end.

New Caller :"yes, you dialed me several times this evening"

Me: "yes, i'm sorry sir. It was a wrong number"

New caller: "wrong ten times?"

Me:"Yes. I'm very very sorry. It wont happen again."

New Caller: "I get a lot of odd calls that are similar to this.  Do you know who had this number before me?"

(by now I am just trying to not cry on the phone with this man)

Me: "yes. my husband. He died 3 months ago. I'm so sorry. I will ask people to stop bothering you. He's just greatly missed by everyone."

The man was very gracious with me.  I never called again but I still have not removed his # from my phone or the quick dial icon that is his picture on my phones desktop. I just can't do it. I can't delete his email account either.  All that comes to it is junk mail, but I just can't close it. It is the one thing I can control. 

Comment by icecream on May 28, 2014 at 5:14am

Early in the 'after-process' I had to turn in my husband's work computer. I worked for several months trying to get them to save everything off the hard drive. I was convinced there might be 'something' on there I was meant to see. A letter to me, to the kids?  I finally gave up pestering them. I had 'found' several things that I think I was supposed to find. If there are more, maybe I am not supposed to find them. One day, I found my daughter crying. I asked what was wrong, and she admitted she had called Dad's cell phone number...she just wanted her Daddy. That was hard. But, I can't seem to delete his number from my cell phone either - and for us it's been 2 years and 3 months..."de-nial" is apparently a very, very long river... :)   (some bad humor to lighten things up a bit) Hang in there you guys...

Comment by Donnavida on May 27, 2014 at 8:39pm

hi, am new here, just saw your post JK and your comment on it, TracyB - just had to pipe in and say dealing with a death these days with all the stuff that lives on in the digital world is definitely  a challenge....

The emails, Facebook, websites...i figure; doesn't hurt anyone if that stuff just sticks around for a while...

hitting "delete" on anything these days is SO HARD!  Keep the email account JK, and TracyB: cheers to a little bit of denial here and there.  In little doses if helps, sometimes, i think.....

best wishes out to the both of you.

Comment by TracyB on May 27, 2014 at 4:09pm

Someone said something to me recently that really resonated with me, "I knew he was gone but I didn't know he wasn't coming back". That's been the hard part for me, especially when it comes to his belongings. All email accounts are still active, as well as facebook and his website portfolios. I've come to realize that putting off dealing with his "stuff" is a way for me to avoid the truth that he is not coming back. I'd rather live in denial as well.

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