I try to think back to when I was a little girl...
did I have those ideas of being a bride and having a dreamy wedding? You know, that fairy tale, ball and gown day, fit for a prince and princess kind of day?? ...I really do not have ANY recollection of that thought. I really do not think that thought ever crossed my mind actually, not even growing into my adolescence did I have that desire.
I do however remember always admiring my parents relationship. I remember thinking how fortunate they were to have one another, and how lucky my sister and I were to have both our parents in a happy marriage. I really remember wanting that for my future... it was never about the 'wedding'...it was the union that I longed for. That togetherness. That bond. The unconditional love and support. The partnership. Always wanting the best for the other, and always thinking of the other person. My childhood was pleasant and full of happy memories.
I thank my parents for that.
There was a point in my life where I forced that dream of finding that one special person. Before magically stumbling across my husband I was in a relationship that was no good for me--a horrible fit. The pivotal point for me was when my sister and I threw my parents a surprise 25th wedding anniversary, and my bf at the time was ruining it for me. I knew then and there that I wasn't going to settle... I didn't care how old I was, I wasn't going to just be married... I wanted THAT special bond. One like me parents shared. A special, rare connection...a special, rare love.
It was so prominent that night.
Their special 'silver metal' night.
They shined like the stars that they are.
So here I sit today. Sharing the parenting role with NO ONE. just me. This is not at all what I imagined. Maybe I didn't picture that dreamy wedding day as a little girl, but I definitely had no aspirations to have become a widow at the age of 26, 8 mos pregnant and more in love and full of devastation facing THIS new reality.
Craig and I may never get our 'silver metal' night, our son will not be throwing us a surprise 25th wedding anniversary... sadly we didn't even get the chance to celebrate one. However, I know deep in my heart that I didn't sell out, I didn't give in and settle for marriage... I held out until I felt it, and once I did, I didn't hesitate either... when I met Craig, it was instantaneous! we knew. We may not have known what we knew, but it didn't take too long to figure it out... we were meant to be together,... meant to get married. My dream of finding that special bond, one like my parents shared... it finally happened... and I was 24.
It breaks my heart that it was stolen from me this soon. BUT I am still hopeful.
My what- would- be one year wedding anniversary is approaching next month and I am feeling the sadness of him not being here overwhelm me. My parents are also celebrating their 28 years together this Saturday.
I recently spent some time with my mother, and she sensed my sadness and asked how I was feeling. And I told her that I missed him. She said, "you know Stacy, I've really missed the shit too... I find myself thinking about the 2 of you, and I know that your anniversary is approaching you, and that's got to be hard."
I nodded with agreement, fought back tears, and continued feeding my son (he's eating solids now... I made him some green beans)
She then says "you know, it took me 25 years to know what you knew about Craig"
I laughed- thinking to myself 'is this something she's just saying?!---of course it is"
She continues "I'm serious Stacy, your relationship was inspiring to watch, and I think it's because you guys didn't have t.v. that you knew so much about one another, and people could see that. It was remarkable."
I laughed again.
It was comforting, but also saddening.
so there I was, sitting with the one woman who is the other half of the couple that I have always looked up to, always aspired to be like... and she says THAT!!!?
I am hopeful. why? Because my son has always allowed me to be that way (born 3 weeks after Craig died). He has been my sidekick through this journey, and he doesn't even know it. He gives me hope everyday, and eventually when the day comes and HE needs that hope, I will have the strength to give it back.
Who knows what the future holds?
I know that love is what keeps the world going; love is what makes life worth living... and I know that I am looking forward to living and feeling life once again. That knowledge alone could be a recipe for stumbling upon love once again?-a new bond?
time will tell.
I will not settle. I will not force it. But if I do get the chance to ever feel it again- I won't hesitate either.
a certain someone special said it about his wife-and I have to agree... "Craig set the bar"
so although I know there's no comparing Craig to anyone..., I know how happy I was when I was with him... and I will not settle for less than that!