not grief

i realize that some of the caregiving i did for my husband was out of the norm.  i have issues from it that i deal with all the time. i know...

        ...okay, fuck. no need giving a huge intro. this is my blog, right? 

 so i can't get this image out of my mind lately. and it has nothing to do with his death day or week or trauma from comments made by clueless non widowed assholes. it is just from the the last months of my husbands life when his brain was shrinking and i was falling out of love with him. i still loved him but this memory and others like it from during this time chipped away at the love i had for him as my partner, lover, friend,... and all those other inadequate words that are supposed to describe ones spouse.

it is the memory of him picking me up by my neck and throwing me across this desk. this isnt the most violent memory i have from this time but this one bothers me a the moment. it wont leave my mind. things that i never remembered from that moment are now popping up and wont go away. the look on his face, his big hand wrapped around my neck, me thinking of the kids in the other room, the bloomberg channel in the background, the shirt he was wearing, the smells in his office, my feet lifting off of the floor, my back bone crushing down on his hard desk, something hurting in the front of my throat, his other hand slapping my face...all of these things wont go away today. there are no emotions, no hate, no rage, no sadness. just the memory itself. and it will not leave. 

i dont know where this is coming from, everything i have felt with grief and caregiving usually has some sort of emotional or physical response. this one is just over taking my thoughts. so what the fuck and i supposed to do with it? is there some sort of coping skill i can use to make this leave my mind?