Not Having Greg's Last Name

Two days before Greg’s accident we were at the store and I was singing the receipt for my debit card and Greg’s standing there beside me with this smile that only Greg had for me and he said his last name. And I replied, “you want me to sign that now? It won’t clear the bank!” and we laughed and the cashier laughed and Greg said, “No in two months that’s going to be your last name.” and the cashier said Awww. And we both smiled and I said, “yes it will!” and we were so happy and excited.

And then two days later I lost Greg.
Two months before our wedding day, my fiancé was in a car accident; not only did I loose Greg, our future together and the plans we had but I also lost that opportunity and the right to have his last name.

To show unity and that we are each others.

This secondary loss is something that I have struggled with from the day that I lost him. I lost his name too.

Greg and I wanted to be married and we knew God brought us together for a reason and a purpose.

Our hearts are connected, intertwined, two sides of a coin, one in the same.

In our hearts we were married. But to society we will always be legally/technically engaged.

I want so much to have Greg’s last name like its supposed to be, like Greg wanted.

I’ve often toyed with the idea of legally changing my last name to include Greg’s last name; because that’s how it’s supposed to be.

In fact when I return things or sign for things using a gift card. I do in fact sign my first name and Greg’s last name. Honestly I don’t even know I’m doing it, it just comes naturally.

Every time I sign my maiden name and see it, it makes me sad.

Several of my married widowed friends encourage me to legally change my last name when I have the money to do so.

I often think what would people think if I just added his last name to mine on fcbk. I honestly haven’t done it just because of my in laws. I didn’t want to put more strain on a non-existent and rough relationship.
And I didn’t have the strength for another battle.

One thing I would go backhand change and I have learned is that I’m not putting other people first. When planning our wedding it was pleasing this person and that person. If I could go back and change that I would. And I’m tired of “pleasing” others at my own expense and happiness.

But lately I’ve been thinking of just doing it anyways.

Because in my heart I’ll always be Brandi Butler.

Has a nice ring to it.

*In the 24hrs since finishing writing this, I did txt my father in law asking if it would upset him if I added their last name to my facebook profile.
I don’t really care what the rest of my in laws think bc no matter what I do or don’t someone will say something. And while they may not know, those that see Greg’s fcbk page will see the name change.

(I was nervous but something inside me calmed me and said just txt him and I did). Who knows maybe it was Greg calming me and encouraging me.

And my father in law said “No. Greg would have loved it when your name was Butler.”

LOVE!

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And I Thought I Loved You Then, My Love.
I love you yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever, always.

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