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I am rolling closer and closer to 1 year, and I find that more and more people are dropping hints and reminders that 1 year is right around the corner.  At first it was subtle, hey if you want to come hang out in a couple weeks, let us know.  But as the days tick on, the subtlety seems to be disappearing and folks are being more and more overt.  I am trying to be kind and not push back.  For me, so far anyway, it isn't the day that is actually worrying to me.  See for me remembering and taking special note of the day my wife left this world, is no where near as important as remembering the day she first entered it.  The fact that they sit 4 days apart on the calendar makes it easier to leave one day behind and go for the one I want.   I also know she would prefer it to be celebrated rather than mourned over. 

That said, the text messages, the phone calls, the emails...well they do get old rather quickly.  After 10 months where I could count on 1 hand the number of contacts, to being 'pestered' that I should remember what happened next month is a bit much.  I think for me it is more that they had the opportunity to contact me any time before, but because they want to push this date into my mind they are re-emerging. 

Did anyone else experience essentially the same thing, quiet for months but as a special date started to approach suddenly they swarm? I get people are trying to be well meaning and all, but sometimes it feels so much more about them than about me and it gets tiring.  Of course as lonely as the months have been, any additional contact even if it is stressful and tiring, is better than nothing, so I will take it.   

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Comment by Pegasus on October 25, 2018 at 10:51am

I can't imagine why your circle of people would think it necessary to remind you of those two days in such a way.  One would think they could put themselves in your shoes and realize that you carry those days with you every day; you don't need reminding.  It's been 3 months since my husband died and yeah, my family rallied closely around me and saw to my every need for a few weeks.  That has quietly faded into them contacting me every couple of weeks now and I'm fine with that.  They call just to reconnect, ask what I've been up to, how probate and other legalities are going and they always tell me to let them know if I need anything.  We don't talk about my husband or my feelings unless I bring it up.  I may be wrong but I don't envision them flooding me with calls and texts when it gets closer to the one year mark.  I'm sure your family and friends mean well but I can easily see how taxing it must be for you.  I agree that it probably is about them more than about you sometimes.  People don't know what to do but they want to do something.  I wish I could offer something for you to say to them.  Bless you, Tony.    

Comment by vintage56(barb) on October 24, 2018 at 4:10am

I doubt people even take note of the day my DH passed. It has been 3.5 years and his whole side of the family treats me like a thing of the past. Which I guess I am.

Comment by chef (John) on October 23, 2018 at 6:11am

I think you have a good handle on things, Tony. Keep doing your best to remember that most of this is done without malice and forethought.

Brohugs from Cleveland.

Comment by LadyG on October 22, 2018 at 10:51pm

I hear you Tony. And of course we know they mean well.  It's just that their lives returned to their "normal" after your ( my ) loss, so for them it is just coming up as a reminder.  They haven't been living with the loneliness like we have. Those quiet months on end when they are all busy with things and we ( I ) feel forgotten by almost everyone. Maybe it is only a percentage of us that i feel a part of but its almost as if, when our spouse died, we became invisible.  Especially to those who are still a couple.  Even the really good people who helped me through that first year only seem to keep in touch every 3-4 months now.  Some only once a year on the passing date.

On top of our loss what an odd and unasked for change in our lives.

MY heart is with you.

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