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 My husband passed in August 2012. I was in a grief group, an excellent group, for a couple of years and I was also active on this site for a while. I have not been on it for a couple of years. I’m not so sure that  I am making good progress in getting on with my life. I cry every day, not much, not long, but I still cry. I have one son who is 46 who has had a physical and learning disability since he was eight.  I am trying to think of good words to say this but I don’t know how much longer I can carry the worry of being his total life. He has friends but they are all married and have kids and can’t get together as much as he would like. I have a small family. Yesterday  I went with Doug  to Social Security to help him apply for disability.   His pain level is such that he cannot really work anymore and with his combination of physical disability and learning disability, he is hard to employ. I worry about his mental state, what he’s going to do with himself all day, his self-esteem, his happiness, and a whole list of other things. When Don was alive, we carried this worry together.  i’m not so sure I can continue to do it by myself.  I have an active social and volunteer life, but I can’t say that I am personally satisfied.  I feel like all the activity is more to fill up my time than to bring me satisfaction. Maybe I am expecting too much. I’m proud of how much I have accomplished since my husband died. I have moved myself  four times and I have moved my son twice. I’m not so sure that I’m not running away from reality, but I can’t move anymore.  People are beginning to talk.  I love my son with all my heart but when I think that there is nobody else on earth who loves him as much as I do, is overwhelming to me. But then I have to realize that nobody loves the dog as much as  me since Don died, nobody cares about the car  as much as me since Don died, nobody cares about our friends or family as much as I do since Don died.   Those are the thoughts that bring home what losing a husband really means.   I used to worry that people will think I am crazy if I express these kinds of thoughts, but one thing I learned in grief group is that there is no wrong way to mourn. 

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Comment by MartyG (ver. 2.4) on June 23, 2018 at 4:15pm is so fragile!! It pains me to read about your burden with your son. The love you have for him, as your husband Don did as well, is monumental.  I can think of no simple answer for you except that  to contact, if you haven't already, whatever social service agencies in you area work with handicapped people like your son. They do not love people per se but they can help see that your son is moving in the right direction and has a place of relative safety should the Lord call you Home first. God Bless...and Widowed Village is a wonderful sight. There are no professionals here but we all care for each other as we travel this horrible journey of widowhood. 

Comment by Callie2 on June 23, 2018 at 7:51am

Hi Phyllis,

I don’t have any answers as to why you still feel such intense sadness after six years as to make you cry daily. I mean, widowhood is not easy and we are often reminded of our aloneness but there has to be a point when we find acceptance and peace with our loss. It would seem that it may be where you are “stuck”. You say you’ve moved four times in six years? Have you asked yourself why?

Phyllis, it may be that you could use some outside help to deal with your issues and that of your son. SSI is not always the best answer, especially since he is still quite young. I would look into programs in your area to see if he could be employed doing something. It may depend upon where you live (state) but my niece’s daughter is mentally challenged and legally blind. And, employed. This has helped to build her self confidence and that she can contribute. If you could help him find something he could do, would that help ease your mind? Learning disabilities don’t always mean someone is unsuited for employment. They can sometimes be quite skilled with their hands—my stepson became a welder and a very good one! 

I can only suggest to you what I think I would do if I were in your situation. (understand  we will probably all have an incidence of sadness, no matter how long it’s been) I would look around for a therapist that may be experienced in grief therapy and see if you can get past this. You are strong even though you may not think so at times ! I have accepted my life will never be perfect or the way I planned it but I will survive. We can only do our best in this life.

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