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As a family we all enjoyed sitting together on Wednesday evenings and Watching Modern Family.  There was one particular episode in which the Claire, Phil and the kids were out with an old car and the car starts rolling down this big hill and Claire yells to Phil, "What's the plan Phil?"  After that episode the kids would repeat that line to their father countless times.... what's the plan Tom.... not once did in our wildest dreams think that this was the plan, because it wasn't, it isn't.  

Each day I have to remind myself that I don't know what the plan is now.  I like to think that I have a lot of living ahead of me, because who knows when our time is up, right?  I'm only 52, we had a plan.... this was not the plan.  I won't be doing the plan we had, that I know for sure.  We were going to move south and enjoy our retirement years near a beach, near a golf course.  It would be us, getting to know each other again since the kids would be off living their own lives.  That can't be my plan, it just doesn't feel right for me being alone.  

I know I have many years to retirement but I was looking forward to that plan.  To searching for a house with him. To watching the kids accomplish all sorts of amazing things.  To finally having grandkids we could spoil the hell out of.  Truth be told I will still do those thing with the kids, but it will be different without him by my side.  It will be wonderful and fabulous, but at the same time sad and just feel off.....because this wasn't the plan.  

I'm not ready to make a new plan for me.  It's too overwhelming right now.  Right now I just get through each day.  I put out small fires of the water heater breaking, the refrigerator leaking, and cleaning out this house that I no longer want to live in without him.  Somehow this has become my plan, but I long for the days when we would walk around the house asking him.... What's the plan Tom.... 

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Comment by Debb on May 31, 2020 at 11:25am

I understand totally this was not the plan. We planned to retire together too. I am thought we would grow older together but I’m here and he’s gone. I make myself do things but it’d very difficult to plan for the future without him. I feel like my soul is lost.

Comment by Estragon on May 31, 2020 at 7:54am

Hmmm, plans.  My wife and I had planned to drive to a beach house we rented in Florida for February.  The day before we were to leave, she died suddenly.  She also sort-of made it to the hospital, but was essentially brain dead by then.  I suppose it could have been worse.  There's a whole lot of nothing much on a lot of the I29.  She could have died en route, potentially hours away from any sort of help.  Not exactly a comfort she didn't, but I'll take it for what it is.

With apologies to the faithful... I think it was A. Einstein who said, with regard to emerging probability theories in quantum mechanics, "god doesn't play dice".  He wanted a deterministic universe, in which everything could ultimately be accurately described with the right algorithm.  I think it was S. Hawking who later remarked "god not only plays dice, he throws them where we can't see them".  The fundamental randomness of the universe is what gives rise to the radiation from black holes he predicted.  Essentially, if something can happen, sooner or later, it does.  And sometimes, that really sucks. 

Comment by Tess on May 30, 2020 at 5:14pm

Teresa (my name too) I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. That was not your plan, and while adjustments have to be made, and lives lived, it all misses the mark. 
Sending hugs your way. 

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