As a family we all enjoyed sitting together on Wednesday evenings and Watching Modern Family. There was one particular episode in which the Claire, Phil and the kids were out with an old car and the car starts rolling down this big hill and Claire yells to Phil, "What's the plan Phil?" After that episode the kids would repeat that line to their father countless times.... what's the plan Tom.... not once did in our wildest dreams think that this was the plan, because it wasn't, it isn't.
Each day I have to remind myself that I don't know what the plan is now. I like to think that I have a lot of living ahead of me, because who knows when our time is up, right? I'm only 52, we had a plan.... this was not the plan. I won't be doing the plan we had, that I know for sure. We were going to move south and enjoy our retirement years near a beach, near a golf course. It would be us, getting to know each other again since the kids would be off living their own lives. That can't be my plan, it just doesn't feel right for me being alone.
I know I have many years to retirement but I was looking forward to that plan. To searching for a house with him. To watching the kids accomplish all sorts of amazing things. To finally having grandkids we could spoil the hell out of. Truth be told I will still do those thing with the kids, but it will be different without him by my side. It will be wonderful and fabulous, but at the same time sad and just feel off.....because this wasn't the plan.
I'm not ready to make a new plan for me. It's too overwhelming right now. Right now I just get through each day. I put out small fires of the water heater breaking, the refrigerator leaking, and cleaning out this house that I no longer want to live in without him. Somehow this has become my plan, but I long for the days when we would walk around the house asking him.... What's the plan Tom....