Today was a day where I just could not stop the emotions. I have been struggling with feeling like friends are letting me down and drifting away. This is causing me to become angry with them and with God. Today I was putting some thought together trying to understand better. My wife Melanie was my best friend (just one of many things she was to me). No one is or was ever closer to me. She was usually the first person I spoke with in the morning and the last one at night. I shared my deepest things with her and she was always there for me. She was my #1 and I was hers.
Now #1 is gone.
My friends all have their #1s, most have spouses, kids, family and other friends. I am not their #1, hay if I am in the top 10 I should be thankful. So it is not right for me to get anger when they can’t fill the void in my life because I don’t have a #1. This thinking helped me put things into perspective a little and helps me to be able to forgive then and understand.
But then it happened. The thought that my #1 was gone overwhelmed me with loneliness. And I not going to have that emptiness filled anytime soon, if ever. Will I ever have a friend that close? I am not looking for wife #2. I want wife #1 back. She is the one who knows me and was willing to put up with me and all my short comings.
I missed her so much today it physical hurt again. The tears started and I just could not stop them. By the way, this all happened while I was at work. I sat in my cube for hours with tears in my eyes trying to get something done. It was a slow day so I did not have to deal with a lot of people. What a mess. Now I feel exhausted on top of feeling sad, lonely, empty.
I like how joyce said it in replay to the last post. She said “Welcome to a club no one wants to belong to”. I find myself asking myself “How did I end up being the guy who lost his wife? Why do I get the title Widower?” There is so much I HATE about this! I HATE being a single dad! I HATE have to explain where the mother of my kids is to strangers.
Thanks again for letting me unload. And for the encouragement. Right now I need to vent a lot and it great sharing with people who understand.
Friday makes 9 months. This has been the longest 9 months.