On December 17th 2012, I lost my fiancé in a car crash. To make matters worse, a little over a year prior to this, I lost an 18-year-old cousin the same way (head-on collision with a speeding 18-wheeler) and at the same location (same road, just a few kilometers apart, luckily I’ve not become scared of that road, I’m kind of just mad at it at the moment).
Robin and I had been together for more than 8 years and lived together for just as long, since I was 16 and he 18 and had literally grown up together. We got 3005 days together. A substantial amount of time when you’re in your mid-twenties. Days when we shared happiness and anger. Days when we struggled with everyday life. Days when we travelled the world together. Days when we talked about the future and about growing old together. Days when we discovered the beauty of life.
At the moment I just don’t know what to feel, how to be or what to do. I’m just numb. Being asked if you knew whether your 26 year old fiancé wanted to be cremated or not is wrong on so many different levels. Having to consider all the financial aspects of your new situation when you hardly can get out of bed is wrong on so many different levels. Being forced to continue living when you’ve not only lost your Other Half but yourself, who you are and your entire future as well is so excruciatingly painful that I’d just like to bash my head against a brick wall.
The Big question I’m struggling with right now is; Now what? It doesn’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore and nothing I do feel right anymore. So, does anyone know – What do I do now?
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