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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I have been posting my thoughts (and talks) to my husband on my blog "My Weird Widow Lyfe". He left me in September, and as of now, my posts are very raw. I hope to share them with family and friends one day. I thought I would share yesterday's post with the group.

- It is day 96, and I am no more at peace than I was at Day 1. I’ve always loved Christmas and particularly the past 32 years, because you were there. You were my eyes to the childish joy of Christmas, with all its wonders and magic! So here I sit, attempting to grasp my feelings and complete the tasks that you and I did together. The annual newsletter, the cards, the tree, the decorating. It all makes my head spin now. I really have no desire to do any of it, as I’m just going through the motions. I finally broke down and got a tree yesterday, justifying that the fur-kids should still have a tree to climb on and torment. A task that we would normally have done in hours took me all day and all of the ornaments are still in the box – waiting. There is a wreath on the front door and garland on the fireplace. This year, that will be the extent of my decorating, as my heart is not into this tradition that we shared. I fear that these will soon be traditions of Christmases Past and I will become the ultimate Scrooge. If I could hide away from all things Christmas for the next 2 weeks, I would. 

The only day I dread more is New Year’s – what will 2014 offer me?!?! I haven’t a clue – I just know that it will be a long and lonely journey.
Will I ever experience the joy of Christmas again? I can only hope (and dream). Love you as much as I did 32 years ago Babe – wow, this is so hard without you!

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Comment by Travieso on December 24, 2013 at 11:55pm

My supper was a rib roast I put in the crock pot yesterday and cooked it until it fell apart, then used the meat and broth to make a soup, with egg noodles and cream of celery soup. It was a Scarborough Fair soup, I seasoned the roast with Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Tyme.

Comment by becca on December 24, 2013 at 9:08pm

Travieso - Thx for sharing your story. It has been an interesting Christmas eve. Just me, our son and 2 cats. We had an unorthodox dinner of spaghettios and beef brisket. Now we are watching Lord of the Rings, cats are sleeping and we are possibly pulling an all-nighter watching TV. It is definitely different, but trying so hard to not be sad tonight. Anxiously waiting for tomorrow to end. Bless all of you on this site - you have been so comforting to me these past few weeks.

Comment by Travieso on December 24, 2013 at 7:17am

This is my 2nd Christmas without my Connie. The first was spent with my step-daughter and her two teenage boys, which helped take take the edge off. I pulled out the decorations last year, went to ask Connie a questiion, closed the boxes and put them back away, I just couldn't handle it. This year, I'm going to take a thermos of coffee, my Bible, take off and spend the day with the "Birthday Boy". Next year I'll decorate. Over the coming year I plan to add to my collection of houses, to build a huge Christmas Village. My mother collected houses, which I got when she passed, and then I added to the collection, with many of them being gifts from Connie, too many to have them all on display, so I would put up a Christmas Village as part of our decorating for Christmas. Connie loved ships and lighthouses, so a few years ago, I started adding her ships and lighthouses to the Village, and so they went from being MY Christmas Villages to being OUR Villages. Taking down decorations meant redoing our nic-nak collection, since many of our housed were part of our regular decore, so when they were moved, it was a good excuse to change things up for the New Year, with some houses which were out going into the boxes and some others being left out, and everything being changed around.

Comment by TWJ2013 on December 22, 2013 at 10:46am
I agree Becca strong is so hard sometimes we can lose ourselves in this. Enjoy your son as I am and keep warm. It's a balmy 55 in New England. Probably snow tomorrow :)
Comment by becca on December 22, 2013 at 10:22am

Thx for the feedback everyone! I know that some (most) of these posts are downers, but most of the time this is my refuge to express myself openly. I get so tired of "being strong" most days. Today is a good day - staying home, keeping warm and spending it with our son.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on December 22, 2013 at 7:18am

Thank you for sharing your blog post with us, becca. I've found my blog to be a place of refuge, a place where I can safely share my thoughts and work through them. Often, just the act of writing helps me put my feelings in a better perspective.

There are no rules about Christmas decorations you know. Do as much or as little as you can. I did run away that first year. And it worked well for me. I still haven't gotten back to all of the decorating and shopping. And that's ok, too. I know I will one day and those boxes with our 41 years of memories will be there waiting for me. Now, it just feels like more effort than I want to expend for just me. 

TWJ ... 11 days ... my heart hurts for you. I'm grateful that you have friends and family supporting you - but please know you can come here any time day or night and we'll be here for you, too. We've been there. We understand.

Jobranmom ... so early for you, too. We'll have the chat room manned over New Years, so please stop by if you need a listening ear. We care.

Comment by TWJ2013 on December 22, 2013 at 6:40am
Bless you I have a 3.5yo and fortunately whilst my husband was in icu we did the tree together before 37yo daddy came home for his final days with hospice. It's only been 11days. I want to run away. I have amazing friends and family but why????? I am glad I found this site and was accepted in as this seems my only solace right now. Take care all
Comment by Jobranmom on December 22, 2013 at 2:06am

My tree looks the same. Couldn' t do the ornaments. I'm Day 92. New Years Eve is going to be worse than Christmas here. I wish you peace and comfort these next few days(,months,years,) I wish it for us all.

 

Comment by laurajay on December 22, 2013 at 1:28am

Becca.  Holidays  intensify  all feelings for widows and non-widows.  Your thoughts and feeling after a loss of only three mo. are normal and expected. You really have accomplished quite a lot in the way of holiday prep.  Good for you.   Yes everything is changed and your Christmases will never be the same.  it's ok if what you do changes now with new needs as you move through your grief work.  It takes time.   You cannot rush grief.  It will take the time it needs.  It will hurt.   It will leave questions  with no answers. For now be your own best friend and give yourself all the time you need...  do not demand of yourself what you are not ready to do.  Time will heal.   Blessings to you for Christmas.   laurajay

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