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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Weather has played a big part in my journey to that healing place.

When Craig died (late sept) it started to get very cold. On the day that he died, it was raining and miserable but miraculously when he was announced 'diseased' @ 12:44pm the sun came out and shined so bright.  The days following Craig's death it was windy, but not cold.  The whole autumn season was eerily warm.  I felt a calm when I would walk around our property and hear the leaves dance around in circles around the trees.  I felt him there. Of course I was still in that 'fog' state and thought maybe he still might show up.  Strange enough, October and November were both very foggy months.

We didn't get snow until December this year--and still weren't confident that it would snow for Christmas. I could care less about Christmas.

I hibernated all winter long.

Like a mother bear in a cave cuddling her little cub.

My cave was dark...and I wanted it that way.  I didn't want to see the sun, or lack there of. I didn't want to feel the cold harsh Canadian winter on my face.  

I unplugged my phone and started to get to know my baby as the reality of being a widowed first time mom slapped me in the face.

I felt sorry for myself all winter long.

Something has changed within me.

Just in time for the sun too.

The weather has been so wonderful lately.  I've been enjoying walks with the dogs, hiking through nature trails with Jack on my back.  People wonder how I've been losing the baby fat: 2-3 hr hikes with a 95 lb dog and a 17 lb dog and a 20 lb baby on your back up and down hills 3 to 4 times a week... that'll do it!

Anyway...

I've also recently joined a gym.  Jack and I are both members, with our own individual cards with our pictures on it--and they have a daycare facility right in the same building-BONUS! 

so, on our way to the gym, I noticed an older couple on bikes enjoying the sunny day...I am presuming husband and wife.  I had to slow down because the sight of them brought joy to my heart.  The woman was ahead of him, and she would occasionally look behind to make sure he was keeping up ok.  It was darling.

I smiled as I was passing them, but looking at them in my rear-view, the tears started to flow.

I remember right before Craig died, he was looking through a canadian tire catalog and said "ahh, shit Smit, we didn't get bikes this season". we just shrugged it off assuming we'd get them next season. well next season is THIS season now.... and we're not getting our bikes.  The old timers reminded me of that memory...and the tears weren't tears of pain, but more tears of gratitude for having that memory come to mind.

I was happy for those two.

I wish I could have seen Craig's old bones pedaling up a hill behind me.  He would have been a cute old man.

Months ago, those tears would have been tears of pain.  Tears of hatred toward those two old people for getting to share in an experience that Craig and I were robbed from.  I would have highly contemplated running them down. *joking*! Although I know the thought probably would have crossed my mind---thankfully it was winter at the time, and I was busy hibernating---and nobody is on bikes in the winter---haha-(excuse the twisted sense of humor)

I was genuinely happy for those two old timers and that came to a shock to me.

Good on them--->way to get active!-way to be together!

The fact that my memory triggered happy thoughts and not 'pity me' thoughts-is a good thing.

The fact that I was happy for those old-timers, and not angry that Craig and I can never be that, is a great thing.

Good on me----->a foot in the right direction

Reassurance that I am taking the right steps. So even when my tears feel like torrential down pours, my body numb from frosty winters, my breath like the wind...at times still..almost not there-'not breathing'...  or at times like a quiet, steady breeze "barely breathing', or like aeolian processes,...so deep it could shape and change my grief land.. even when up against the harshest that the weather has to offer I still know that the sun will shine another day.

"cheers to those old timers---and everyone else that got the chance to experience decades with their spouse"

love you my chitty

 

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Comment by rodsgurl09 on May 29, 2012 at 7:27pm

(((Stacy))) You're such an amazing girl, I love reading your blogs and witnessing the grace with which you move through your grief. Much love. ~ carolynne

Comment by smit09 on May 29, 2012 at 5:39pm

Thank you very much everyone!  (hugs)

Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on May 18, 2012 at 9:06pm

Stacy it's so wonderful you have been blessed with such a kind and caring heart. I love how you see the goodness in the world while working through your loss. Your a wonderful young woman and it was a pleasure to have met you.......................Lisa

Comment by bad ass widow on May 18, 2012 at 11:14am

Stacy, Good for you and happy too.  Great blog!

Comment by SallyStarre on May 18, 2012 at 9:17am

An amazing heartfelt post from an amazing lady. 

Comment by Hunt on May 17, 2012 at 10:12pm

Stacy, bless you! I am so sorry that you have to deal with this as such a tender age, I so wish that you had decades more than you did! You are articulate- I so get you, and am 57, a lifetime older. Age does not matter - love and investment are all. You are an amazing young woman, my thoughts and prayers are with you, Smit! I hope to be that old couple again (im 57). I don't feel any different than I did when I was 25, I am sure that will be true for you, too! Love and hugs Stacy!

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on May 17, 2012 at 9:40pm

Lovely post, Stacy.  It made me smile that you could be happy for the old couple. Good on you for sure! I do understand why those who lose their loves early in their relationships feel that way, but I can tell you that even when you get many years together there are still regrets for the things we won't get to do together.

Comment by nathanmue on May 17, 2012 at 8:07pm

Nice Stace, I feel like this summer is going to be a great healing season, at least for those of us widowed in 2011. I felt the same way as you through the winter, and now I have a desire to be out side more than I can ever remember having before! I'm really looking forward to this summer!

Comment by Joyce on May 17, 2012 at 7:16pm

Oh Stacy, how beautiful and profound, thanks for sharing.  Hugs!

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