Weather has played a big part in my journey to that healing place.
When Craig died (late sept) it started to get very cold. On the day that he died, it was raining and miserable but miraculously when he was announced 'diseased' @ 12:44pm the sun came out and shined so bright. The days following Craig's death it was windy, but not cold. The whole autumn season was eerily warm. I felt a calm when I would walk around our property and hear the leaves dance around in circles around the trees. I felt him there. Of course I was still in that 'fog' state and thought maybe he still might show up. Strange enough, October and November were both very foggy months.
We didn't get snow until December this year--and still weren't confident that it would snow for Christmas. I could care less about Christmas.
I hibernated all winter long.
Like a mother bear in a cave cuddling her little cub.
My cave was dark...and I wanted it that way. I didn't want to see the sun, or lack there of. I didn't want to feel the cold harsh Canadian winter on my face.
I unplugged my phone and started to get to know my baby as the reality of being a widowed first time mom slapped me in the face.
I felt sorry for myself all winter long.
Something has changed within me.
Just in time for the sun too.
The weather has been so wonderful lately. I've been enjoying walks with the dogs, hiking through nature trails with Jack on my back. People wonder how I've been losing the baby fat: 2-3 hr hikes with a 95 lb dog and a 17 lb dog and a 20 lb baby on your back up and down hills 3 to 4 times a week... that'll do it!
I've also recently joined a gym. Jack and I are both members, with our own individual cards with our pictures on it--and they have a daycare facility right in the same building-BONUS!
so, on our way to the gym, I noticed an older couple on bikes enjoying the sunny day...I am presuming husband and wife. I had to slow down because the sight of them brought joy to my heart. The woman was ahead of him, and she would occasionally look behind to make sure he was keeping up ok. It was darling.
I smiled as I was passing them, but looking at them in my rear-view, the tears started to flow.
I remember right before Craig died, he was looking through a canadian tire catalog and said "ahh, shit Smit, we didn't get bikes this season". we just shrugged it off assuming we'd get them next season. well next season is THIS season now.... and we're not getting our bikes. The old timers reminded me of that memory...and the tears weren't tears of pain, but more tears of gratitude for having that memory come to mind.
I was happy for those two.
I wish I could have seen Craig's old bones pedaling up a hill behind me. He would have been a cute old man.
Months ago, those tears would have been tears of pain. Tears of hatred toward those two old people for getting to share in an experience that Craig and I were robbed from. I would have highly contemplated running them down. *joking*! Although I know the thought probably would have crossed my mind---thankfully it was winter at the time, and I was busy hibernating---and nobody is on bikes in the winter---haha-(excuse the twisted sense of humor)
I was genuinely happy for those two old timers and that came to a shock to me.
Good on them--->way to get active!-way to be together!
The fact that my memory triggered happy thoughts and not 'pity me' thoughts-is a good thing.
The fact that I was happy for those old-timers, and not angry that Craig and I can never be that, is a great thing.
Good on me----->a foot in the right direction
Reassurance that I am taking the right steps. So even when my tears feel like torrential down pours, my body numb from frosty winters, my breath like the wind...at times still..almost not there-'not breathing'... or at times like a quiet, steady breeze "barely breathing', or like aeolian processes,...so deep it could shape and change my grief land.. even when up against the harshest that the weather has to offer I still know that the sun will shine another day.
"cheers to those old timers---and everyone else that got the chance to experience decades with their spouse"
love you my chitty