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On the eve of our 40th anniversary

December 31st, 1978:

I had met this terrifically wonderful guy named Mike, several months prior, so cute, so funny, awkward sweet, he had asked me out on the first time we met.  

Now, at a New Year’s Eve party at a nightclub, we danced and drank and had a wonderful time.  The clock strikes 12, it’s now January 1st 1979, and as the ole lang syne played, streamers and balloons dropped from the ceiling, “Happy New Year”!  Mike got down on one knee on the dance floor where we stood, I made him repeat himself 3 times so I could hear him over the noise, “I love you and want to share the rest of my life with you”!  He held a ring box, gave it to me.  I was so happy.  

Ive been thinking now, over the past 3-4 months, as our 40th anniversary approached, so many memories of the wonderful 30 years we got to share together.  We did just what he wanted, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  We were still so mad about each other as he lie in his hospice bed, and I said my goodbyes to him and told him it was ok to let go.  

2018 has been such a tough year for me.  But I have to admit a big learning year too.  I had decided to take a chance on love again back in 2013, 4 years after Mike passed, and sadly I had to end that relationship after a little over 4 years together, in March of this year.  It broke my heart again.  I never knew you could be so in love with someone, yet, know, it was so wrong, and it had to end.  I always thought if two people really loved each other, they could always work it out, not so.

ive kind of been in shock for most of this year, but I’ve decided to once again pick myself up, dust myself off, pick my heart up off the highway where it’s been run over several times by life, and put it back in my chest and move on again.  

Im planning on starting fresh tomorrow for 2019, doing my best to leave the pain of the past 11 yrs or so behind me, and just not look back!  I think I still have a few years left in me, lol, and I want to kick ass!  Lol.  

Ive really accomplished a bunch over the past 6-7 years, created a successful business for myself, worked hard and did my best to love a new man, which evidently I did well, but he just wasn’t the man I thought he was.  But despite the terrific pain, devastation of a broken heart,  I walked away, and have stayed away, despite communications from my ex.  Promises I know longer believe.  

I took care of both my parents until my dad passed in Feb 2016, and I still have mom with me.  We have a nice life and I’m proud I can provide a comfortable, nice life for her.  But I’ve noticed, despite how busy I am, how successful I am in certain areas of my life, at night in bed when the lights go out, I realize, there is a huge sadness in my heart, I’ve been drowning out with my daily activities.  It’s always there.  I just turn up the volume of my activities through the day, to drown out the noise of my broken heart.  It’s been there for almost 10 years now, and I’ve grown tired of it.  I tried loving a new man, business, friends, nothing makes it heal, nothing soothes it.  

So I’ve decided that, I’m on a new fresh task, starting tomorrow, to heal this heart.  To put the past in the past, and with a renewed vigor, to go after pure happiness again.  I’ve noticed a big part of the pain, is caused by me remembering things in the past, living in the past so much.  I want to stop this.  It doesn’t matter how much I relive the past, Mike isn’t coming home, period.  So we shall see how I do.  

I plan to get my new dog, I’ve been holding off doing, I’m going to start some classes and join some discussion groups.  I’ve always been curious about yoga, I plan to find a beginners class and really make the instructor earn their fee by trying to get this 250 lb frame into a “downward dog” position.  Good luck!  

I already know, there will be all sorts of creaks and cracks, and pops and hisses coming from somewhere in my body, I just hope they don’t need to call 911 to get me back up and straightened out off the floor!  

I can see me in my hot pink spandex pants and my headband, raring to go!  What a site!  Hopefully nothing snaps off me like a rubber band and injures somebody!   

Hoping everyone finds peace and love and warmth in the coming new year, and a few giggles and snorts!  

Love and hugs to you all,

Steve

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Comment by Steve on January 1, 2019 at 6:13pm

Hi Callie!  Thanks so much for your message, truly appreciate your thoughts.  I agree, and am into 2019 in a big positive way.  Thank you and take care.  Happy 2019 to you!

Comment by Callie2 on January 1, 2019 at 5:35pm

Hi Steve. You know, I don’t think remembering the past is as big an issue as acceptance. Once we find our peace I think the memories  can be a positive thing. It sounds like you have found acceptance and are ready to move forward with your life.

Be positive, get back into living again. When your mind wanders thinking of the past, remember how fortunate you were to have found that love. Whether or not we find someone new, we can still be content.

Good luck with the yoga. I’ve never tried it myself but I’m sure you’ll do fine!  As a matter of fact, exercise might be a very good idea— it offers a lot of benefit, including mood elevation. 

Hope 2019 is a good year for you!

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