A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
This weekend I went to Amandas moms and Amandas sister was home with her two kids. Isaac (3 years old) and Alana (3 months old). Alana is partially named after Amanda. Alana Nicole, Amanda Nicole. It was the first time I met this baby and the first thing she did when I looked at her was smile and coo and gurgle. It was like she knew exactly who I was. Yeah, I might have gotten a little emotional at that.
Later, Samuel and I went outside so he could swing. He is 17 months old but has learned to hold on to the ropes so he doesnt fall when i push him. He did that for a little while and got bored. Then he wanted to climb up on the gator. (For those of you who may not know, a "gator" is like a cross between a four wheeler and a golf cart, with a tiny truck bed on the back of it.) For 15 minutes Samuel sat in that seat, with his hands on the steering wheel, going "BBBBBBNNNN-BBBBNNN" and smiling the whole time. When he finally got bored with that he started walking. He walked to the barn, he walked to blueberry bushes. He walked to the grape vines, he walked to Amanda's garden (Anita planted this sometime after Amanda died). He walked and walked and Walked. And I was right beside him, following. Usually a little behind him just to see where he would go. When he came to a big rock or a log he would look up at me with one arm raised and I would help him over it. Then he would let go of my hand and he was at it again. When he came to the barn I told him "stop Samuel, we're not going in there." And to my surprise, he stopped without argument, turned to his right and started walking away from the barn.
As we did another lap around the yard I was looking down at that little blond head and those little clumsy feet shuffeling as fast as they could. His little arms half raised as if to balance himself (thats how he walks when he's in a hurry). Looking at him I kept thinking is this what it was like for my dad when I was a baby? Was it the same for his dad? Scared to take my eyes off of him?
Alot of questions came to me.
Was Amanda there with us? Was it her spirit that was guiding him around the yard maybe showing him all these things from her own childhood? Is she happy with how I've been handling things? Is she ok with the changes I've had to make?
I've been pretty bitter about things over the past several months, does God hold it against me? Is God watching over me and my little clone? Is he maybe walking a step behind me watching me, the way I'm doing with Samuel? Is he wanting me to reach up for some help over these obstacles?
All I know for sure is I hope I never forget that little walk. As long as I live, I hope the image of that little dude stumbling along on that dusty driveway stays in my mind till the day I die. I'm sure we'll have plenty more walks, plenty more memories, but my little son will never realize how much he helped his daddy that sunday afternoon.