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One step behind
This weekend I went to Amandas moms and Amandas sister was home with her two kids. Isaac (3 years old) and Alana (3 months old). Alana is partially named after Amanda. Alana Nicole, Amanda Nicole. It was the first time I met this baby and the first thing she did when I looked at her was smile and coo and gurgle. It was like she knew exactly who I was. Yeah, I might have gotten a little emotional at that.
Later, Samuel and I went outside so he could swing. He is 17 months old but has learned to hold on to the ropes so he doesnt fall when i push him. He did that for a little while and got bored. Then he wanted to climb up on the gator. (For those of you who may not know, a "gator" is like a cross between a four wheeler and a golf cart, with a tiny truck bed on the back of it.) For 15 minutes Samuel sat in that seat, with his hands on the steering wheel, going "BBBBBBNNNN-BBBBNNN" and smiling the whole time. When he finally got bored with that he started walking. He walked to the barn, he walked to blueberry bushes. He walked to the grape vines, he walked to Amanda's garden (Anita planted this sometime after Amanda died). He walked and walked and Walked. And I was right beside him, following. Usually a little behind him just to see where he would go. When he came to a big rock or a log he would look up at me with one arm raised and I would help him over it. Then he would let go of my hand and he was at it again. When he came to the barn I told him "stop Samuel, we're not going in there." And to my surprise, he stopped without argument, turned to his right and started walking away from the barn.
As we did another lap around the yard I was looking down at that little blond head and those little clumsy feet shuffeling as fast as they could. His little arms half raised as if to balance himself (thats how he walks when he's in a hurry). Looking at him I kept thinking is this what it was like for my dad when I was a baby? Was it the same for his dad? Scared to take my eyes off of him?
Alot of questions came to me.
Was Amanda there with us? Was it her spirit that was guiding him around the yard maybe showing him all these things from her own childhood? Is she happy with how I've been handling things? Is she ok with the changes I've had to make?
I've been pretty bitter about things over the past several months, does God hold it against me? Is God watching over me and my little clone? Is he maybe walking a step behind me watching me, the way I'm doing with Samuel? Is he wanting me to reach up for some help over these obstacles?
Who knows.
All I know for sure is I hope I never forget that little walk. As long as I live, I hope the image of that little dude stumbling along on that dusty driveway stays in my mind till the day I die. I'm sure we'll have plenty more walks, plenty more memories, but my little son will never realize how much he helped his daddy that sunday afternoon.
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Comment by mariantym on September 12, 2012 at 5:54pm -
Hi Larry, I sympathize a lot with your feelings and I appreciate your rationalization of things that often seem outside the realm of our cmoprehension. I am glad you had this wonderful afternoon with your son. At times I also feel bitter, it is hard to believe when we ask why these things happent o good people and there is no answer. However, I find that these little precious moments are what can keep us going when we walk in doubt and disbelief, not for their godly or supernatural nature, but for what they are and the realization that other people evoque wonderful precious feelings on us.
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Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on July 26, 2012 at 11:57am -
Larry, that was so touching, and I could visualize you and Samuel. I know Amanda is so Very happy and proud of you. Yes God is watching over you both.. Making memories... Samuel may not "remember" this day, but he has a wonderful dad... and you will make many special memories together!
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Comment by Rebirth.Tanya (Tanya) on July 25, 2012 at 11:23pm -
This brought tears to my eyes- you are an amazing dad Larry, and you honor Amanda so much in the way you take care of Samuel...lots of love and comfort to you both... <3
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Comment by hendrixx2 on July 25, 2012 at 11:15pm -
Hi Larry,
That was very special...you detail in a most excellent way how even the everyday things of our lives, our now different lives can become the building blocks for our futures, you and Samuel created a memory that afternoon and today much or our lives are involved with memories. That you have such a simple, beautiful one is something I know you will always cherish...Peace
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Comment by Ccdague on July 25, 2012 at 6:14pm -
Larry...
Very moving and heartfelt narration of this precious father-son moment......one of many more to come I am sure. Children are gods way of letting us know that he wants life to go on.
Carol
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Comment by Suz on July 25, 2012 at 5:18pm -
Dear Larry,
This was very touching. Thank you. I could just see your little guy! As far as Amanda being with you, I do believe they are with us, closer than we think or "beyond the veil," as some say. I know this is a answer that only comes from my belief system and other people's view will differ. I lost twin sons in late pregnancy many years ago and a book that helped me a ton was "When Bad Things Happen to Good People"." it is written by a Jewish rabbi who had a severely handicapped child. It helped me to see God as someone who was with me. was sad about my pain and understood my anger. Just a suggestion. It was the right message at the right time for me.
So sorry about Amanda, Larry. It is so terribly sad to think of you without her and raising your son alone. We have certainly been through the unbelievable, haven't we?
Fondly,
Suz
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Comment by chez2all on July 25, 2012 at 5:32am -
hi Larry, it's amazing how kids get us thinking about the deeper issues surrounding our journey...precious memories for you. Chez
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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on July 25, 2012 at 4:50am
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Such a beautiful story. and told so you could feel the love you two share. Thank you Larry for letting us read it.
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Comment by Sunflower37 on July 25, 2012 at 1:57am -
Hi Larry, thank you for sharing this wonderful story. Hugs to you.
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Comment by Joyce on July 24, 2012 at 11:20pm -
Oh Larry, what a beautiful story. The way you described it, I could picture your son walking with you behind him. Yes I believe that Amanda was with you as you were walking. Hugs, take baby steps along with Samuel.
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