A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Tomorrow, May 18th, makes one year. One year since I have seen, touched, talked to, kissed, hugged, smiled at, laughed at, and enjoyed Tj. I kept focusing on the 19th because that is the date that he was pronounced dead. I, in my heart believe it was the 18th that he actually passed.
On May 18th I remember very well all the events of that day. We had just gotten married on the 14th and Tj was off work for the week because of it. That morning I woke up and got the kids ready, he drove them to school, Anthony who was 3 at the time, was still asleep. Tj came home from taking the kids and he was just uneasy, something was off. I felt a panicky feeling, like a fight was about to take place, or something. He began looking for clothes to wear, and I said what are you looking for? He said, oh, I am going golfing. What are your plans for the day? Well, I had plans to go out to my moms for a bit, so we decided that I would take him to the golf course (which he only played twice the whole time we were together, this being the 2nd) and I would go to my moms. He put on his khaki pants, and his white under shirt, with his brown polo shirt over it, he had on his brown dress shoes. He looked so handsome. He grabbed a few beers, put them in his golf bag and we headed to Montgomery. On the way there we talked about how he had been irritable and so had I. I was struggling with my 3rd UTI in about 5 weeks, and it was HELL. I didn't want to be touched, or even looked at. On top of being 31 weeks pregnant, I was no fun! haha I dropped him off and told him to call me when he was ready to be picked up, I headed to my moms. I got a couple of texts from him that day, but nothing crazy. Just random I love yous, which I ignored. I rarely ignored them, so that is something I struggle with now. Why did I that day? Maybe if I had replied, just maybe he would be here. I picked him up around 2:00 and we headed to pick the kids up from school. On the way home he held my hand and rubbed my belly telling me that he loved me so much and he just wanted things to be good. He was sorry he had been a butt lately and it wasn't me or the kids, it was some issues he was having and he would be seeing a doctor first thing in the morning to get back on his meds. (he has bipolar disorder) I told him I was sorry and that I was not feeling well again, and things would be fine. We picked the kids up, got home and the kids and Tj played in the yard for a bit. We then decided to go to his favorite resturant to eat, Mexico Tipico. It was a Wednesday night, and usually Tj took the kids to church while I worked on my school, but that night he decided last minute to stay home. Again that is a huge what if for me. What if he had gone. At dinner I remember exactly the booth we sat in, Abigail and I on one side and Hayden, Anthony and Tj on the other. Abigail ran to the bathroom twice with an upset stomach as did TJ. We assumed they both ate something bad. We ate rather quickly because of this, and went home. I began my online class and Tj and the kids watched a movie. 8:00 came and he put the kids to bed and asked me to come to bed, I refused. Instead I stayed on Facebook and the phone. We had some family issues at the time, and I thought those could not wait. What if I had put them on hold and gone to bed with my husband, what if I shut my computer off and focused on him. Instead I focused on that nonsense. He began playing with his knife and a stick that he was making into something...haha he was always tinkering. Then he went ahead to bed after about an hour or so. I still did not. I was taking naseua meds at the time, and should have gone to bed by 9. Finally at 10 I went to bed. I crawled into bed and I thought he was asleep, so I was quiet as I could be. He rolled over to give me a kiss and I threw my hand over his mouth and said NO! You have been throwing up all day, and have an abscess tooth, get out of my face. What if I had given him that goodnight kiss, and said I love you, something. Would he still be here? He jumped up out of the bed pissed and fumbled around in his clothes next to the bed. I was setting my alarm and turning my phone to silent. He stormed out of the room and into the living room. I remember feeling panicked and thinking he was going to come back to fight with me. What if I would have gotten up and fought, gotten it all out and make sure he knew that I loved him. Instead I calmed myself down and was telling myself I was stupid, Tj would never hurt me, much less the baby. And he would be to bed soon. I looked at my clock, 10:15 and went to bed. I woke up at 12:55 and he was not next to me. In the 11 months we had been together, he was always in bed next to me NO MATTER WHAT! I got up and searched the house, and could not find him. I walked back to my room to get my phone to call him, and saw that our bathroom light was on. I went to open the door and I couldn't, it was heavy. I pushed and pushed and finally got it cracked enough to slip my hand in. I could see him right arm and right leg flat on the ground. I tapped his shoulder, Tj wake up, come to bed, no response. I scratched his shoulder, nothing. I threw ice on him, nothing. So I called 911, then I called my sister. I was fully aware that something was wrong and we would go to the ER and he would be ok. He passed out from being sick, that is all. No....oh no, that was not it. The paramedic said maam do you have people to call, about that time my sister came in.... I remember crying and just being in disbelief. The Tj I knew would not do this! There was no letter, no nothing, they were wrong. He wasn't gone, they just didn't try hard enough. The rest happened so fast and it is a blur. I just feel in my heart that he left us on May 18th. I believe that there is a reason for everything, but I don't understand the reason for this. Why didn't I assure him that I loved him like I did every other day, why didn't I pamper him when he was sick, why didn't I go to bed when he asked, why didn't I pay attention to the fact that he was grabbing a belt to hang himself, why didn't I go in the living room and just fight it out, why didn't I hear him and go in and stop him? Why, why, why?!?! I loved and still love that man so much, too much. I just want to slap him, yell at him, hate him, forget he ever existed. I am so pissed and hurt and sad. I just don't know why any of this happened. His two boys need and deserve their daddy, my 3 children need and deserve their step dad. I need my husband!!!
This has taught me to not leave things unsaid. I don't care if it makes you mad or uncomfortable, you will know how I feel about you. I refuse to let something like this happen again, if I can help it. He meant more to me than he will ever know and I just wish I knew it on May 18th, because honestly I don't think I did.