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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

One year.

I just came to work. I didn't know what else to do. I don't really want to be here, but I think home would just be depressing. Well, it's all depressing.  But I didn't want to be alone, and I still hear a voice telling me that no one cares and to shut up and get over it. So I didn't want to ask anyone to come over, just to keep me company.  So work it is.

Once I thought I'd love to not have to go to doctors appointments every week, multiple times a week. Now I'd give it all up, just to have that time back to spend with him.  Nurses, reapplying wound vacs... all of it.  I miss him every day.

They say that time heals all wounds. They lie. It doesn't - it just makes it easier to carry them.

Everything here is hard and bright and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch. This is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that. Knowing what I've lost.

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Comment by Steve on August 5, 2017 at 9:06am
Hi Medea. Yes anniversaries and important dates, are brutal in the beginning, I remember so clearly, the 1 year anniversary of Mike's passing. I was so shocked in one way, it was already a year, and in another way, I was kind of relieved, that I had faced down an entire year of every important date, holiday, birthday, season, thru trial and error, discovered for me, at the time, a way to pinch my nose, hold my breath and get thru my birthday, his, our commitment anniversary, holidays, so on.
We all have to find our own way, in certain areas of grief, what works for us, brings us the most comfort, brings the most soothing to get through this journey. Some find comfort in being with family and friends, others, like me, found comfort in my bed, alone with our dog. I was lonely at times, and did decide at one point to accept a dinner invitation early in my journey, with some very long time, dear friends, but, after about an hour, we sat down to dinner, at the table, and it so happened Mary decided so sweetly, to prepare my favorite meal, spaghetti. As soon as I saw it, my heart that was already so fragile, I was trying so hard to keep myself together and love and appreciate my dear friends, and the beautiful dinner, but, I came absolutely unglued. I had no control over it at all. The thought that hit me at that moment when Mary served the spaghetti, was, "oh yea", I will never have Mike's spaghetti again"! Mike would cook his spaghetti sauce for an entire day, before he was going to serve it. He put so much love into it, just for me, mike could have cared less about spaghetti, but he knew how much I loved it, so he went on a quest to try a ton of different recipes, to find my favorite, and once we found it, he would prepare it for me on my birthday, anniversarys so on. I would wake up, on my birthday with that wonderful, smell, Feeling so loved, I would jump up out of bed, and run into the kitchen, and yell " you are making spaghetti for me"! Yahoo! Poor Mary had no idea it would be so painful to me, she was being so wonderful to create this dinner for me, but I lost it so much, couldn't get ahold, I had to leave, and I realized I just wasn't ready to face friends, family, yet.
Sadly her husband passed last year, and we have since spoke on the phone. She is isolating too right now, but she mentioned that spaghetti dinner, and how she now understood why I was so broken that night.
In order for me to handle my new circumstances, I found just taking one day at a time, was best. I slept in mike clothes for a year or more, I wore his 3 watches, I sprayed his cologne on our pillows, I wore his jackets when I went outside, I forced myself to shower every other day, forced myself to walk our dog 3 times per day, ( so difficult to do, mike and I walked our dogs together nightly when he came home, all our neighbors would ask for mike, would have to tell the story 100 times about him passing). One neighbor had a beautiful rose garden, we had chatted about it for years, how much I admired it, and now as I walked down the street, if she saw me, she would run into her garage, get clippers, cut a few roses, run inside wrap a wet paper towel around the roses and then run outside to hand them to me, before I walked by. So wonderful. One kind of odd neighbor would say to me as I walked by, " its so weird seeing you walk Avery without Mike"! It hurt the first time she said that, like yes it is very weird, and thanks for pointing that out, I hate it! But I realized she was always odd, and I chose to think she was trying to be kind, didn't know really what to say.
Anyway, Madea, my heart goes out to you, hugs, steve
Comment by Susan on July 2, 2017 at 10:06am

Medea,

    I read the part about going to work.   I only work twice a week. And I'm starting to realize I do it so I'm not alone. I's glad I'm not the only one who does that.

Susan

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