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I can’t believe it has been a year since I last saw his face, held him, and hugged him in that way that always made me feel so loved. When I buried my face in his neck, almost every day, I knew that he loved me and I loved him. We had a special relationship, and it is still hard to imagine that it is gone.

I’m still angry that this date – September 16 – still exists on the calendar. It should be wiped off the face of the earth. It reminds me of what I lost. And it seems like everyone on this earth should recognize the loss that this date represents.

It’s the day that my life shattered into millions of pieces.

It’s the day that the earth changed and lost its color and flavor.

It’s the day that a wonderful soul left this world, and left many people with a hole in their hearts.

I’m still trying to put together the shattered pieces of my life. I have to do it in a new way – I can’t make it look and feel like the old version. If I try, it ends up being a distorted picture of what once was. So I have to create a new mosaic out of the pieces. Something that will look different, but that I can still somehow be OK with. And maybe I can create something beautiful out of the pieces of my life. I won’t like it as much as the original, but it can be (I hope) beautiful nonetheless. I am barely beginning this process and I don’t really know what it’s going to look like yet. It will be a work in progress for quite some time.

 

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Comment by Fluffycat52 on September 22, 2017 at 7:44pm

Sorry, I made a mistake my Dad will be 94 this month of September I hit the wrong number.

Comment by Fluffycat52 on September 22, 2017 at 7:42pm

My husband passed away on 06/12/2016, I am so sorry for your loss it doesn't seem like it had been a year each year goes by faster and faster you don't have time to think and the day has gone by. I am living a totally different life than me and John had of course I am a widow now and sometimes don't know what to do with my life, I do live with my almost 84 year old Dad he is a wonderful Father we share a Birthday together that makes us special. I will admit it is no fun being a widow I never thought I would be one at 50 years old very sad.

Comment by Athena53 on September 22, 2017 at 4:16am

I'm coming close to one year also - it will be November 15 for me.  I'm doing pretty well putting together a different life after losing Ron; he was 15 years older so I always had the awareness I was likely to outlive him.  Sometimes I feel guilty.  I've traveled to places with warm climates that he couldn't tolerate (we had plenty of wonderful trips to other places during our marriage) and I'm going to India next year, a place I loved as a business traveler that didn't interest him. I've given away most of his power tools, keeping only the ones I'm likely to use.  I've thrown out a few of the knickknacks in the spare bedroom that had no sentimental value that I know of.  I've used a lot less A/C this summer because having the house at 80 degrees doesn't bother me.  Heck, I even browse "potential matches" on OurTime although I'm not ready to pay for a subscription that would allow us to contact each other.  One is looking for "a classy dame".  Hmmmm... I don't think I'm a classy dame.

I keep wondering what Ron would think if he walked back in here.  I know he won't, and I know he wanted me to go on and have a good life.  He was actually happy for me when I booked a cruise in Central America for this past April a month before he died, knowing he wasn't likely to last to the end of the year.  It still feels like I'm betraying him somehow.

 

Comment by Callie2 on September 17, 2017 at 1:26pm
Sherry, you survived the toughest year-the first! Your analogies and the way you describe your feelings are so spot on. I often wish I could have allowed some of my feelings to escape that way! You describe mosaics--that is one I've not heard before. So true! The thing is, we don't have to make lots of changes right away. You change out one small piece at a time. It will forever be merged with that time in our lives when we were married. It will still be good, as you've said, it will just be different. Remain optimistic . How wonderful that you had the time together, even though so briefly. We have no other choice but to continue on with our lives. Peace to you.

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